The Year In ‘Stache: 2008

On December 30, 2008, by AMI Staff

If ever there was a year to celebrate for the Mustached American, it
was 2008, the year the 'stache became a must for more and more men. And
let's face it, when the economy's lousy, you're happy to be employed
and you can't afford new clothes, you can always grow a lip warming
labia sebucula (Latin for "lip sweater"), right?

You know the tide has turned when the New York Yankees, once the
sworn enemy of facial hair, hold a Mustache Night under AMI's auspices.
(We can only hope that this will take the milk mustache off the top of
the mustache search page – nothing personal milk producers, but it just
ain't right).

So, let us take a trip through the year to remember the great moments in mustaches. It's been a great ride!

Media:  Media declaring this the year of the mustache
have ranged from Film School Rejects to HuffingtonPost.com to New York
Magazine which proclaimed that we are in a "neo-'stache era."
Meanwhile, a mustache was judged to be more valuable to own than 98% of
all media properties in late 2008.

Sports: From the
San Francisco 49ers to the South Bend Silverhawks, teams around the
sports world recognized the power of the mustache this year, but there
was no bigger individual story in sports than the resurgence of Jason Giambi after
he grew his mustache. It was as though he attained super powers over
night – batting 100 points higher with a mustache – and he almost
singlehandedly pulled the Yankees up in the standings. AMI, of course,
was not surprised. Our research has long demonstrated the advantage
upper lip coverage gives to the modern athlete. It's a complicated
formula we won't bore you with here, but basically it involves
testosterone, female East German Olympians, and the theory of
relativity. If you doubt it, try it out for yourself.

Politics: President-elect Barrack Obama was thrust into the White House by his crack election team featuring chief strategist David Axelrod,
and Obama's appointment of Eric Holder as Attorney General seemed to
open the floodgates for mustaches in politics. It should also be noted
that we had a Mustached American running for president for the first
time since Thomas E. Dewey when Bob Barr ran on the Libertarian ticket.
Also, it should be noted that Rod Blagojevich did not have a mustache
and, in fact, looked like pre-'stache Paul McCartney, a look that may
be hard to maintain in prison. In fact, the lack of mustaches on the
year's biggest crooks may do more for the lip hair than any celebrity,
politician or rock star.

Entertainment: Besides mustaches on stars like Brad Pitt
and George Clooney, a mustache won the Oscar for "Best Actor" Oscar for
the first time since the late Paul Newman's 'stache won for "The Color
of Money" in 1987. This year, the mustache belonged to Daniel Day Lewis
in "There Will Be Blood." As expected, the mustache gave a short,
moving acceptance speech, dedicating the win to its parents and then
got roaringly drunk at the after-party. AMI was deeply touched.

Day Lewis Gaming: Mustached
Italian-Japanese Super Mario was the leading game seller this year,
selling more than 40 million copies of various games. Unfortunately,
Mario went through messy divorce from Princess Peach over a rumored sex
tape. Tough break for a very talented icon of the mustache.

Music: Some of our favorite bands turned to the 'stache this
year including My Morning Jacket and Dead Confederates. Both endorsed
AMI with wonderful interviews in our archives. Check them out. We're
still searching for a Mustache song that lives up to the beauty and
power of the facial lip sweater. Any help appreciated.

Economy: AMI began offering its Mustached American Discount Card
providing a 5 percent discount to mustached Americans at participating
merchants across the U.S. The economy instantly responded and AMI stock
which has traditionally traded thinly on the International Fur Exchange
(Ticker Symbol: LIPFUR) nearly tripled as a result..

Honors: AMI named the winner of the first ever
"Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year," won by retired
New York City police detective Tim Galvin and presented at the blowout
'Stache Bash 2008 in St. Louis. Meanwhile, Brazilians named a King of
Mustache (or so it seemed to be; we admit, we don't speak or read
Portuguese, or Spanish). Galvin won an actual crown, so he was kind of
like a king, but I don't think it's exactly the same thing.
And as for the King of All Mustaches for 2008 – this mustache takes the cake.

Losses: And, finally, the honor roll of those Mustached Americans who went to the "Stache Bash in the sky included:

  • Bernie Mac, a highly underrated comedian and great dresser;
  • Isaac Hayes – nothing more be said;
  • in a world where bad movies look great in trailers, voice-over man Don LaFontaine died; 
  • mustache pioneer Paul Newman, aforementioned owner of a mustache at different times of a great career and life; 
  • former NFL Players Association President Gene Upshaw  whose initials will be the answer to a trivia question about NFL helmets in 2008;
  • Pittsburgh Pirate pitcher Doc Ellis, whose greatest claim to fame was pitching a no-hitter on acid;
  • Motown great Levi Stubbs, the Black Bob Dylan and the movie voice of a man-eating plant;
  • Rock n roll pioneer Bo Diddley, cheated out of more royalties than any artist in history;
  • Rapper MC Breed, the first commercially successful rapper from the Midwest;
  • F***ing great explicit comedian Rudy Ray Moore;
  • and finally, John Costelloe who played "Johnny Cakes" on the Sopranos as a cliched mustached gay man.