Mustache Tattoo: You’re only lying to yourself

On June 16, 2009, by AMI Staff

 If this picture disturbs you, fear not. Nothing is wrong with you. In fact, your queasiness can be attributed more to good health than a malady. Yes, it is a chick with a mustache, and that has a tendency to upset plenty of lip-lawn growers around across the globe (though you should read the recent blog on mustachioed females). However, the main reason – the most sickening reason – is the fact that it’s not a mustache – it’s just a tattoo.

    What an atrocity! What a sick, blatant disrespect for we of the proud ‘stache! Heresy! Heresy! Heresy! That is our rallying call against this trend that seems to be sweeping the nation. Go ahead and look it up – Google it and see for yourself: “mustache tattoo.” You’ll get plenty of pictures similar to this, all of them on the inside of their index fingers (except for one man with the audacity to put a fake ‘stache on the inside of his upper lip). Do they think this is cool? Does this make them hip? I would rather see a swastika on a forehead than these…things.

    It is no crime to desire your own glorious mustache, to grow and care for as one might a Chia Pet that has been firmly implanted beneath your knows. Just sing that Chia Pet song: Mu-Mu-Mu-Mustache! Beautiful! Who wouldn’t want one? Some unfortunate souls – people that might have been thrown down into the lower caste of society had the mustachioed race become dominant – simply cannot grow facial hair, and this is nothing to be truly ashamed of. Some people can’t tan. Some can’t for the life of them chew gum and walk at the same time. And some can’t even pop some peach fuzz. But if these people – like the “lady” above – are so truly adamant about getting mustaches, then for the love of God, Ala, Shiva, or whoever the hell they choose to worship, get a tattoo in the proper place, which is situated just above the upper lip and just below the nose. Yes, you may have some bizarre glances casted your way, but you get plenty of respect from the people you most desire to impress: the true mustachioed race.

    This jest the ‘stache-hands participate in is equivalent to a flagrant foul that results in both a $25,000 fine and a 3 game suspension. We do not tolerate people wearing black face to imitate African Americans, nor do we tolerate people who imitate Special Olympians to get into the games (aka Johnny Knoxville in The Ringer and Eric Cartman from South Park), so why do we accept the ‘stache-hands?

    Heresy! Heresy! Heresy!

  • sal

    mustaches are lame

  • mustapha

    I’m going to get one of the Hitler mustache. =]