Screw Global Warming, We’ve Got Cats.

On January 8, 2010, by AMI Staff

It has just been brought to the attention of the American Mustache Institute that on top of terrorist threats, never-ending climate change and a new decade, Americans now must face the fact that their ordinary housecats will outlive them. 

TheOnion.com posted this mind-boggling article earlier this week which raises a whole new series of questions about just how protected we are against our cat counterparts.  The article states that a seemingly normal cat, Socrates, is not merely unable, but refuses to die, "despite his advanced age, near-complete physical decay, and constant bouts of renal failure."  Cats have now learned the ancient secrets of immortality and should be approached with caution.

Post-apocalyptic life may not be restricted to A.I-esque robots as previously thought.  Now, felines may take the stage for a new kind of intelligent species. Life expectancy in cats has gone from 4-6 years to 12-18 and with that kind of exponential growth, everyone should take a note of concern. 

Emily Pressman, Socrates' owner, says "I don't know what I'd do without
him," before adding "besides not have a cat anymore." This is what we
here at AMI urge our readers to do. Get rid of your cats.  Put them
outdoors and keep them there, if it means boarding up your windows as
if you were suddenly an extra on Dawn of the Dead. This new report
means they may outlive you, but at least they won't turn you into one of them, a la Cat Woman. 

If you have any questions about what to do when faced with an immortal tabby, do not hesitate to email or call AMI, or run to the nearest bomb-shelter.  They still make those, right?  Furthermore, if you see a cat wielding a sword, summon The Highlander as soon as you are able. A fellow immortal will know just what to do.

Be well and be safe.