Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Mustaches

On November 16, 2010, by AMI Staff
It’s mustache season with Movember in full stride, voting still ongoing for the “Robert Goulet Memorial Mustachd American of the Year,” and ‘Stache Bash 2010 right around the corner on Dec. 4 — we present ten things you didn’t know about mustaches:
  1. Science demonstrates that people of Mustached American heritage are 38 percent better looking than clean shaven mortals.
  2. The American Mustache Institute successfully lobbied Congress for a $250 tax refund for Mustached Americans due to the the consumer products needed to maintain their sexually adventuresome lifestyle that supports the U.S. economy.
  3. The orgasm of a Mustached American lasts roughly 23.7 seconds.
  4. The orgasm of a woman making love to a Mustached American lasts roughly 23.7 minutes. Roughly.
  5. Dave Navarro is the only known Mustached American considered a douchebag, and here is proof.
  6. Each year the “Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year” is selected by the American public.
  7. While Mustached Americans earn more than their clean shaven counterparts, they also spend more on things like condoms and Hall & Oates records (proof/white paper here).
  8. Roughly 18.7 Americans suffer from Bare Upper Lip Disorder, or BULD, a debilitating disease that can lead to thoughts of depression, suicide, and decrease semen output.
  9. According to the Dead Sea Scrolls, each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.
  10. Mustached Americans can wipe out entire indigenous tribes in Brazilian rain forests by merely thinking about snowflakes and truffles.

Carry on.

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