Last week we reported that ESPN’s Bill Simmons, a.k.a. “The Sports Guy,” had accepted a sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle in adding a dapper looking Chevron-style mouth brow to his lower nose foliage.

Simmons: from hero to douche

We also, however, read comments that were sent to Simmons on his blog, Grantland. Barbs like “Nice stache. You look like everyone’s gay uncle that’s still in the closet, but everyone really knows he’s gay;” or “I saw you on PTI the other day, and I was just wondering: Does the mustache come with a white, windowless van, or did you have to buy your own?”

Deep cuts indeed. And you wonder why there is little that is more brave than being a Mustached American.

Clearly, Simmons felt pressure. And after surfacing with his surprising mustache, he retreated to the dreaded goatee, or as we in facial hair academia call it, the “Spousal Compromise.”

The goatee represents that halfway meeting point between the utter weakness of the clean shaven and the sheer, unbridled power of the Mustached American. It’s where your wife says, “You know honey, I’m not sure I can deal with the total awesomeness and orgasmic pleasure of a mustache, but maybe a goatee would do.”

Hence, the Spousal Compromise.

Simmons went as far to demonstrate his ignorance and call his new facial hair a “grotesque collector’s edition fu manchu that I grew just for the convention.”

A sad state of affairs indeed — from prospective cult hero to Dave Navarro-esque douche in the blink of an eye.

Mr. Simmons, strap back on that glorious stand-alone mustache, return to those Chevron roots, and let the pleasure begin.

Carry on.

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