The Sports Guy, a.k.a. Bill Simmons of ESPN, recently accepted the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle and received a bevvy of questions to his blog Grantland about the experience:

Simmons, now sexually dynamic

Q: Saw you on PTI, Simmons. I have a quiz for you:

Your mustache makes you look like:


A) A supervillain’s accountant.
B) A wealthy/preppy date-rapist’s enabling father.
C) A Russian arms dealer.
D) A washed-up porn star trying desperately to stay relevant past his expiration date.
E) Tom Selleck’s creepy half-brother.
F) All of the above.

— Nick, Seattle

SG: Uh-oh, it looks like we’ve reached the “Rag on Simmons’ mustache” portion of the mailbag. Put on your seat belt and brace yourselves …

Q: I saw you on PTI the other day, and I was just wondering: Does the mustache come with a white, windowless van, or did you have to buy your own?
— Joe, Chicago

SG: I’m renting. Come on, let’s keep this moving, keep ‘em coming.

Q: Quick question: I’m casting a new reality show called “Guys Who Look Somewhat Normal Until They Grow Facial Hair, Then … Hide Your Damned Kids!”. We’re looking at a Spike TV pickup for the spring season. You in or do I need to go through a booking agent?
— Jeremy, Boise, ID

SG: Count me in. As long as it doesn’t conflict with the filming of Magnum PTI.

Q: Nice stache, you look like everyone’s gay uncle that’s still in the closet, but everyone really knows he’s gay.
— Tim, Boston

SG: Thanks^.

Q: That’s quite a nice ‘stache you got on going there. Makes you look like police officer from a 1970s buddy cop flick. In fact, you, Wilbon, and Kornheiser would make an excellent buddy cop team. You’d be the gritty, resourceful cop with a quick wit and a drinking problem. Wilbon would be the old school, no-nonsense cop with a badass catchphrase. Kornheiser would play the wet-blanket detective that always complains about you and Wilbon not playing by the rules. What do you say?
— Nick Burgess, Statesboro, GA

SG: For about 10 seconds, I thought to myself, “Great idea! This would make for a killer animated cartoon! And in every episode, LeBatard would get killed!” Then I remembered my track record with animated cartoons and … you know …7