Amid a storm of allegations levied against Herman Cain, the American Mustache Institute today announced it had rescinded its endorsement for his presidential candidacy.
Concerns began when members of the AMI administration, during a campus scouting visit near Washington, D.C., visited a Godfather’s Pizza in the town of Cross Junction, Va.
“We ordered the ‘All Meat Combo’ that claims to be ‘piled so high with beef, pepperoni, sausage, ham and bacon bits that there’s no room for any veggies,’” said Dr. Abraham Jonas Froman, chief executive officer of AMI. “But it had limited meat on it at best. Do you understand what ‘piled so high with beef, pepperoni, sausage, ham and bacon bits that there’s no room for any veggies’ really means? Cain clearly does not.”
Then allegations came to light that Cain’s mustache is not real, but actually a theater quality upper lip garment, and not the labia sebucula (Latin for “lip sweater”) he claims to have worn since his early 20s.
“Even after our endorsement of Cain on CNN we continued to do our due diligence relative to his mouth shading device,” added Dr. Froman. “The evidence continues to mount that his mustache is a fraud.”
On October 13, AMI Chairman Dr. Aaron Perlut appeared on CNN’s “Out Front” program hosted by Erin Burnett. After posing tough questions to Cain on how his 9-9-9 plan would coincide with AMI’s Mustached American Tax Incentive, Dr. Perlut announced the Institute’s endorsement based on Cain’s potential representation of Mustached Americans in the White House, his hatred for stupid people such as Dave Navarro, and his belief in creationism as Mustached Americans created bacon, fear and good looks.
Now, sadly, the Mustached American community finds itself at a crossroads as Cain would have been the first Mustached American President of the United States since William Howard Taft left office in 1913, and the first major party presidential candidate of Mustached American heritage since Thomas E. Dewey in 1948.
But with the evidence of both pizza and mustache fraud, Dr. Froman and other members of the AMI administration said they could not in good conscience support his candidacy on behalf of the powerful Mustached American electorate.
“The truth of the matter is that we are the sharp end of the stick amongst our people,” said Dr. Michael Grubb, AMI’s Curator, National Mustache History Museum & Director of Mustache Analysis. “We’re going to have to poke a hole in his campaign.”