The American Mustache Institute’s ability to sway the influential Mustached American voting block is unquestioned and, as a result, AMI is especially cautious about who or what we endorse.
Accordingly, it is with a sense of gravity and great caution that we approach the subject of political endorsements such as a recent one that came across our administrative offices — the ongoing San Francisco mayoral race.
San Francisco, of course, is the Western epicenter of Mustached American thought and and rugged good looks. On a recent West Coast Campus scouting trip there, AMI staff encountered many people of Mustached Americans heritage who were as diverse and attractive as the Village People themselves.
The race for Mayor of the city has been as spirited as San Francisco itself, drawing candidates who represent the diverse factions of the city. For AMI, the choice in the Mayoral race has been less about politics and more about the conflict between mustaches and goatees.
Edwin Lee, the interim mayor, wears a respectable Chevron-style mustache. John Avalos, the Democratic candidate, dons a goatee. None of the other 57 candidates sports significant facial hair, although we could not be certain about several female candidates.
The facial hair community at large has long-struggled with the goatee as it is broadly deemed to be “the spousal compromise” that gave men certain conjugal privileges while maintaining a semblance of street credibility with their Mustached American cousins. The widespread growth of the goatee amongst bicycle mechanics, shepherds, and horseshoe fitters demonstrates the power a significant other or life partner can play in the equation. But in the end, science has proven the goatee only emasculates the wearer and reveals him to be weak and as worthless as one Dave Navarro.
And with that in mind, and a time when government needs bold, decisive, good looking leaders, it is time for Mustached American-layden stewardship in San Francisco.
Indeed, it is time for the streets of Chinatown, Castro, Pacific Heights, Haight-Asbury, and other neighborhoods within the city to shimmer with the glow of Mayor Lee’s lower nasal forestry.
It is the right time and right place for San Franciscans to embrace the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle. And it is for that reason the administration of the American Mustache Institute endorses Ed Lee for Mayor of San Francisco.
His lip garment is robust, vibrant and welcoming; Lee has already demonstrated a willingness to reach deep into the Mustached American community for the support he will need to help navigate today’s challenging and polarizing political climate. He serves as a shining beacon of freedom for young people of Mustached American descent in a world and at a time when things can be bleak and sadly clean shaven.
We believe Ed Lee, and his lower nose accoutrement, can lead San Francisco into a new golden age of flavor saving goodness.
Ed Lee for Mayor of San Francisco.