We often hear stories from Mustached Americans about the daily bouts of discrimination faced by our community. Today’s tale comes from Anthony Christopher, the proprietor of Christopher’s Gifts of Distinction in Schererville, Ind., who tells us about the policies of discrimination at Marian Catholic High School in Chicago Heights, Ill.

The perseverence of Anthony Christopher's lip garment

Being a Mustached-American was not always an easy task for Anthony, attending a Catholic grade school and high school which both shunned the practice of occupying the upper lip.

“I first got in trouble for facial hair in seventh grade when I was pulled into the hall for ‘looking a little wolfie,’” Anthony told us. “But it was not until I was a freshmen in high school that I actually received a detention for my self expression of pure machismo.”

Unlike a young and worthless Dave Navarro, Anthony was not a troublemaker according to classmates and janitorial staff. In fact, the only thing he ever got in trouble for throughout his time at Marian Catholic High School was his ability to grow ruggedly attractive facial masterpieces — so much so that he did not shave over Thanksgiving during his senior year. And, upon returning to school he was immediately greeted with a detention.

“At that point I said enough is enough,” he said while running his fingers across his well-forested upper lip. “So I went to the principal’s office to have a talk with her.”

Anthony went to the office of Sister Kathleen Anne Tait, Marian’s principal, assuming that she would have great interest in better-understanding the dynamic Mustached American lifestyle.

Sadly, however, the Sister Kathleen was less interested in the fact that Mustached Americans are born with natural karate skills, that our people have lower nasal foliage that fights off the flu and HPV virus, and that a Mustached Americans have been proven to have a 17.3 percent higher intellect than clean shaven mortals.

She did not, and instead, said a mustache makes young men look “unprofessional” and “un-clean.” But unrelenting and cocksure, Anthony responded with swift fervor.

“So Mr. Golden (English teacher who formerly performed in pornography) is unprofessional?” he boldly stated.

From there, however, the conversation broke down, insults were traded, karate chops exchanged, pasta bowls thrown, nun habits ripped to shreds. The next day Anthony returned to school without shaving where he was once again pulled out of class by a Dean who informed him that his mother was on her way with a shaving cream and razor.

“They would not let me return to class until I was clean shaven because I was what they called ‘a threat’ to the student body,” he said with amazement while sipping a glass of two-month-old Scotch purchased from a homeless man behind a local drugstore. “I was literally serving an in-school suspension until I shaved.”

Forcibly shaven but having staked out his territory, Anthony graduated soon thereafter and reconstituted his mouth umbrella which has proudly occupied his upper lip since he graduated in 2008.

“Whether it be my current Fu Manchu, a Goatee (he’ll need forgiveness for that), or a full fledged beard — I am proud to say not only am I a Mustached American, but I am a Mustached American Business owner.”

A business owner indeed — one who has earned the adoration and online Christmas shopping dollars of the Mustached American community who the American Mustache Institute calls upon to support your bravery by visiting Christopher’s Gifts of Distinction online or when passing through Schererville, Ind. — and who doesn’t often pass through Schereville?

And please, Mustached Americans, email Sister Kathleen Anne Tait at ska@marianchs.com or call her at (708) 755-7565 and ask why Marian Catholic High School robs students of their civil liberties and discriminates against people of Mustached American heritage.

Carry on.