Since the Weekly Standard published the story, “Staffer Refers Mustache Bill to Committee, Without Congressman’s Consent,” there has been a furor over the relationship between the American Mustache Institute and the office of the ruggedly handsome Maryland 6th District Congressman Roscoe Bartlett, one of only 34 members of the U.S. House of Representatives with a finely tuned mustache.

Since then, the media has been ablaze as Rep. Bartlett’s vulturous opponents, including Kathy Afzali, John Delaney, and Rob Garagiola — smelling blood in the water and a fast-closing window to unseat the Congressman — have climbed up on their fragile soap boxes to bring down a noble Mustached American with a good-looking lower nose garment.

The vulturous Afzali could recoup her waxing expensesvia the Stache Act

The reality is that prior to launching the Million Mustache March for the Stache Act campaign, AMI reached out to Rep. Bartlett’s office hoping to secure an interview on Tuesday, Feb. 21. When he was not available to meet, as a simple act of kindness the Congressman’s press secretary passed along to the House Ways & Means Committee the empirically sound, groundbreaking Stache Act white paper written by noted tax policy professor Dr. John Yeutter of Northeastern State University.

In spite of its critics, there is, in fact, no government waste related to our efforts unless AMI’s Stache Act campaign will somehow be used to fund soccer fields for imprisoned terrorists at Guantanamo Bay or to conduct hearings on steroids in baseball. And counter to what the embarrassingly ill-informed Ms. Azfali charges, the proposed Act is in no way “sexist,” as it would refund her well-used expenses on eyebrow and lip waxing.

The simple truth is that we at the American Mustache Institute are leading perhaps the greatest tax-mitigation movement in the history of tax-mitigation movements. We seek fairness, equity, and social justice for the common man — the Mustached American. While at the same time, sitting on sidelines and doing nothing but criticizing their colleagues and opponents are some very silly bare faced mortals who find it more productive to attack the kindness of a congressional office they can only dream of occupying. They grandstand about the government waste which they themselves largely create, and their useless and argumentative banter is what is definitively wasteful and wrong with America.

In an era of hope and change, we, the 38 percent better looking Mustached American people want to build a grass-roots collaborative movement that seeks an equitable, better-looking country. And isn’t that what makes America great?

Indeed, the founding fathers and civil libertarians like Clarence Darrow would be proud. And we hope you — Mustached Americans and interested third parties — will join the American Mustache Institute on April 1 in the Nation’s Capitol for what will be a very real Million Mustache March from the Capitol to the White House. We have the permits to prove it.

You’re welcome.