As fans piled into the Edward Jones Dome for the St. Louis Rams home opener vs. Daniel Snyder and his Washington Redskins Sept. 16, Mustached American spirits were high as the home team was handing out Jeff Fisher-style mustaches in honor of their coach, trying to set a Guinness Book record for the most fake mustaches in one place and pushing Fisher’s candidacy for the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award.
But the joy of the Mustached American celebration was short-lived. While walking afterward from the Dome to the AMI offices just four blocks away, and with his security detail distracted by a busty squadron of female Rams fans, AMI Chairman Dr. Aaron Perlut was attacked and forcibly shaven by a rouge band of clean-shaven mortals.
“Our cause and people have come a long way but it tells us that there is still great hatred for people of Mustached American heritage,” Dr. Perlut said. “I credit the Rams for working to honor our community. It’s just so unfortunate that some mortals — probably Communist vegans who are unable to grow facial fur — felt the need to lash out.”
Clean shaven for the first time since 1978, when he was just seven, Dr. Perlut has pledged to wear a Fisher Stache during the six-day-period he expects it will take him to regrow a natural lip sweater pending bowel movement frequency and Scotch consumption.
“Being a mortal — even for six days — is painful and shameful,” he said. “And I want to honor the Rams commitment to our lifestyle, and perhaps send a message to people nominating and voting for the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American as to whom I believe to be most qualified to take home the 2012 honor.”
The attack took on added significance when ESPN’s bare-faced Kenny Mayne informed Dr. Perlut he would be visiting St. Louis on Wednesday, Sept. 19 to report on Fisher’s candidacy as a Goulet award nominee for the following Sunday’s NFL Live.
“This might be the most important sports story of the year,” Mayne told Dr. Perlut upon entering the AMI offices. “And I appreciate your willingness to do this interview understanding your weakened state following this week’s tragedy.”
As a sign of respect for the Mustached American experience, Mayne brought with him a three-man-crew, all living a Mustached American lifestyle of.
“It’s the right thing to do,” said Mayne. “I just hope this enlightens sports fans as to the importance of the Mustached American lifestyle, why Jeff Fisher is a leader in the community, and the greatness of your organization.”