Recently the staff and administration of the American Mustache Institute read in The National Journal that you are proposing a Facial Hair Caucus to include yourself and the esteemed Mustached American Senators John Hoeven, R-N.D., and Tom Coburn, R-Okla..
As you suggest in earnest, “Maybe that can be the beginning to solving the sequestration.”
Indeed, in spite of our trepidation about creating a segregated environment on Capital Hill — ruggedly handsome Senators and Congressmen living a sexually dynamic Mustached Americans sitting in separate rooms from the clean-shaven mortals who fail to reach your level of intellectual excellence — the American Mustache Institute and Mustached American Community at-large welcome plans for the new caucus to represent the interests of all Americans with facial hair.
Without question, for too long have the concerns of our mutual constituency, people of Mustached American heritage, been ignored by a bare-faced and meek Congress.
Last year’s failure by the House Ways & Means Committee to consider the stimulus qualities of the STACHE Tax – a revolutionary tax break for facial hair products and grooming — was a slap in the hairy face of Mustached Americans whose contributions in the military, law enforcement, horseshoe fitting and adult entertainment provide the backbone of a free and diversely robust and dynamic economy.
With fists clenched and our sleeves rolled up as a means to express our rights to bare arms, the American Mustache Institute stands ready to join with you, as well as Sens. Hoeven, Coburn, and perhaps the Mustached American Nancy Pelosi — in developing legislation that encourages more Americans to consider the wisdom, health benefits and beauty enhancement of facial hair of all kinds.
We would point out that our greatest president Abraham Lincoln brought the country together with his manly chin strap beard. We believe it is time to turn once again to the lower nose forestry unit for wisdom in a time of crisis.
In Hair We Trust,
Dr. A. Jonas Froman
Chief Executive Officer
The American Mustache Institute
P.S. You’re welcome.