With the Major League Baseball All-Star game upon us, Wahl and STATS have released an analysis of players with and without facial hair over the past decade suggesting facial hair is the key to athletic superiority. While the study is supportive of the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle and its impact on the sport, had the study included data from the American Mustache Institute Dept. of Calculatory Calculation design, its findings would be far more relevant and include levels of enhanced sexual dynamism vs. the clean shaven mortal ballplayer.

Regardless, the research found that during All-Star play, players with facial hair have a .287 batting average, .338 on-base percentage and .441 slugging percentage compared to clean-shaven players who are .226, .272 and 382, respectively. Additionally, the last six All-Star Game MVPs have all had facial hair, including last year’s winner Melky Cabrera who homered in the fourth inning en route to earning the title. Meanwhile, clean-shaven players have gone four years and 152 at-bats without a single home run.

Facial hair has made its mark on All-Star pitching as well. Over the past six seasons, pitchers with facial hair have earned more selections to the All-Star Game than those without, 98 to 78. Pitchers with facial hair have promptly backed up their selections by posting a lower ERA (3.43 versus 3.96) and more strikeouts (7.82 versus 6.56).

Hey, America, you’re welcome for improving your game.

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