This piece has been contributed by noted scholar and alleged (but never convicted) loiterer Matt Baron.
Without a question, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has established himself as one of the greatest gridiron leaders of all time: a Super Bowl ring, Most Valuable Player selections for the regular season and Super Bowl, three Pro Bowl selections.
And although he has only 5 ½ years of action as an NFL starter under his belt, he has thrown enough passes to qualify as tops in Passer Rating, with a ridiculous 105.2. How good is he? Nobody else is as high as 97, and Rodgers holds the single-season record of 122.5 for good measure.
But those accolades and accomplishments pale in comparison to his off-the-charts performance recently in the Mustache Extraordinary Rating (MER). A newly concocted formula that was developed amidst secrecy, gulps of high-octane energy drinks and a batch of Magnum P.I. promotional photographs, the MER’s precise algorithm remains a secret.
“In the possession of the wrong people, knowledge of this combination of elements that contribute to south-of-the-nose fur could prove catastrophic,” said an American Mustache Institute attaché. “Woe to us if the MER combination were to fall into the hands of a fascist national leader or, worse yet, someone like Justin Bieber.”
Those justifiable concerns aside, the AMI has managed to extract a lineup of factors that led to Rodgers’ unprecedented MER of 59.68 during the month of November.
It was a trying month for Rodgers professionally, who broke his collarbone while playing against the Chicago Bears on November 4th. But as so often happens, out of the ashes of one agony come the seeds of another glory: without that injury, Rodgers never would have attained the heights of mustached marvelousness that are outlined below.
(Please note: each of the below categories has a maximum score of 10, a figure that is based on the median mustache presence of Jesus Christ and his 12 disciples. The highest possible figure is 60, and only two men in the history of mankind have ever registered that score: Moses and Hockey Hall of Famer Larry Robinson.)
Leisure time is prime time for rugged displays of unabashed mustache wielding. Because the Packers play almost exclusively on weekends, and because Rodgers was caught repeatedly on camera on the team’s sidelines (his ‘stache unimpeded by a helmet facemask), his score in this niche nearly broke the MER detector.
In looking at the tally below, consider that since the 1919 death of our 26th President, Teddy Roosevelt, only California Highway Patrol officers have even come close to approaching 9.90, with a collective 2012 average score of 9.88.
Rodgers’ Score: 9.97.
Healing Capacity / Compensation for Bodily Ailments:
A mustache on a fully functioning body loses some of its luster, competing as it must with the rest of the man’s physique. But in tandem with a bedraggled body, the mustache takes on epic proportions.
Analysts believe this may be due to a chemical reaction that occurs in the facial hair growth corridor. With his left collarbone broken, Rodgers’ mustache evidently seized the on-the-mend moment. In addition, on the heels of Rodgers’ ill-advised ‘stache shearing several days ago, is it any wonder that there is talk now of “shutting him down” for the rest of the season?
Rodgers’ Score: 9.92
Resemblance to the Super Mario Brothers:
You are familiar with the wildly popular video game characters? You have seen Aaron Rodgers, the Mustache-in-Full model?
What you may not know is that both Super Mario Brothers and Rodgers were “developed” in 1983. Rodgers just turned 30 on December 2nd. We won’t go so far as to suggest that Rodgers was conceived by an amorous liaison of Nintendo technicians, but we are prepared to defend you in any potential legal action that may ensue if you do.
Rodgers’ Score: a perfect 10.
Dominance over Peers:
The Packers’ moribund effort since Rodgers’ injury suggests that he is peerless, particularly at QB. But for sake of argument, let’s assume that Seneca Wallace, Scott Tolzien and Matt Flynn are real-life professional quarterbacks. Cumulatively, their meager attempts at mustache-growing are merely junior varsity.
The only thing more pitiful than Green Bay’s 40-10 loss to the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving was seeing Flynn’s mustache actually diminish in stature between the opening kickoff and the merciful conclusion.
Rodgers’ Score: 9.83
Ability to Cause Mankind to Forget About Chuck Norris:
The 73-year-old Norris has been cultivating his mustache since he was a 2nd grader in Oklahoma, with occasional forays into the clean-shaven look to serve in the military and for certain movie roles. There is a massive tongue-in-cheek cult following that often deifies his facial hair. Yet it has been weeks since you have even thought about Chuck Norris, correct?
Rodgers’ Score: a perfect 10
See Aaron Rodgers on the sidelines with a mustache that could provide shelter to dozens of families displaced by natural disasters. See Aaron Rodgers in an insurance commercial, clean shaven between two fake-mustached lugs. See Aaron Rodgers on a 2009 or 2011 or 2012 highlight reel, in full-bearded splendor.
When seen in quick succession, as is possible in today’s technology-amped world, this awe-inspiring display of chameleon-like versatility is exhilaratingly reassuring.
“If we needed to infiltrate a terrorist organization, we could send Aaron!” we whisper to ourselves. “He looks like everyone and no one at the same time!
Rodgers’ Score: 9.96
Matt Baron is a world renowned scholar in the arena of analytical study on the power of the mustache. Matt first gained international acclaim with his groundbreaking publication in the November 1995 issue of Mustache Monthly entitled “The Mighty Mustache: Powerhouse of the Face” and has never looked back.