As reported by the HallOfVeryGood, Chicago White Sox pitcher Chris Sale was recently forced to shave his beard by fledgling field manager Robin Ventura. Seeing this as a stark violation of Mr. Sale’s civil liberties, your American Mustache Institute filed legal papers and sent the following correspondence to White Sox general manager Rick Hahn.
It has recently come to the attention of the American Mustache Institute that the field manager for the Chicago White Sox, Mr. Robin Ventura, is forcibly intimidating pitcher Chris Sale, among other players with decorated histories of striking out, to remove his preferred style of facial hair.
As Mr. Sale recently conveyed to the Chicago Sun-Times, “I got a call from the front office saying my beard was too scruffy and it had to go.” You then, in turn, confirmed to the Times that, “the ‘clean it up’ order came” from manager Mr. Ventura, a clean-shaven mortal.
On one hand, we were bemused to learn there is a male character outside of the Batman series named “Robin.” Secondarily, your beard-genocide-focused team policy has driven Mr. Sale to embrace a Mustached American lifestyle, which improves good looks by an estimated 38 percent according to AMI research and has been proven to enhance athletic performance by an estimated 63.7 percent.
However, Mr. Ventura’s edict violates Mr. Sale’s fundamental workplace rights and has contributed to a hostile work environment therein. The White Sox are not, of course, alone in this endeavor. A 2010 poll conducted for Bellingham, Washington-based Workplace Bullying Institute said that 37 percent of U.S. workers – some 54 million people – believe they have been subjected to a workplace “hostility.”
But in your case, these discriminatory policies demanded by the apparently iron-fisted Mr. Ventura, previously best-known for attacking and then being physically embarrassed by 98-year-old Hall-of-Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan, are inexplicably extreme. In our eyes, they amount to what the Mustached American community believes to be a violation of your employees’ ordained civil liberties.
Indeed, they are without question unacceptable to not only Beardist Americans, but people of Mustached American heritage, the Rev. Jesse Jackson and his 14 illegitimate children, as well as civil libertarians like Joseph Déjacque, Murray Rothbard, Pamela Anderson and others.
As a leading academic institution of freedom and handsomeness that is committed to protecting the rights of the sexually dynamic Mustached American community, it would be highly irresponsible to not express and judiciously press forward with our deep concerns for protecting of the fundamental rights guaranteed to individuals by law and social culture.
After all, as the esteemed Larry Martz wrote, “Civil libertarians tend to assume such tests must be an illegal invasion of privacy.” And in many ways, he is correct.
In looking more broadly as the White Sox’s misguided attempt to harness your employees God-given rights, perhaps the greatest shame – even more so than the fact you play in U.S. Cellular Field itself – is that during a season where Mr. Ventura has your organization actually flirting with a winning record and the White Sox are boasting one of the best young talents in baseball, your manager is preoccupied with restricting the growth, masculinity, devout handsomeness, earning potential, and the civil liberties of your employees. These discriminatory policies are clearly aimed at disallowing your players to experience their ordained heritage as sexually dynamic people of facial hair to the degree they wish. And our community disapproves greatly.
Pending final direction from legal counsel via the esteemed white-shoe firm of Ebony, Piscapo, Ivory & Murphy, we plan to file a request for a temporary or permanent injunction which we anticipate will ultimately lead to the estoppal or cessation of said beardist-genocidal activities in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8. We are requesting a bench trial and have already filed a motion for summary judgment.
Additionally, we have entered into deep discussions with Mr. Sale’s representation along with the Major League Baseball Players Association towards filing a civil suit seeking damages ranging between $14.97 (U.S. dollars) and $20.2 million dollars pending our analysis of the damages to Mr. Sale’s rugged good looks.
We look forward to your response and cessation of these unsanctioned activities.
Dr. Robert A. Booey, Esq. IV
Chief Legal Affairs Analyst
The American Mustache Institute