Heavy is the head that wears the crown of the coveted Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award, as the saying goes.
In an unprecedented move in the annals of the history of the award, 2014 Goulet winner Stephen Brown of Richmond, Virginia, unexpectedly ceded his title to runner-up Troy Rivas of Albuquerque, New Mexico, and stepped down from his perch atop the ladder of rugged handsomeness.
Citing mounting pressure to constantly pose for pictures, devour entire free steaks in excess of 27 oz, and assist with random childbirths in bus stops, Brown admitted he just wasn’t up to the task of maintaining a sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle.
“In stepping down I am forced to acknowledge that my life has obviously peaked in October 2014,” he said in a tearful speech in front of three homeless people standing on Grace Street near the campus of Virginia Commonwealth University. “But with the forthcoming anonymity I will receive by going clean shaven, I think the transition into that of a mere mortal will go peacefully and without much fanfare.”
The unexpected change — which will see Rivas hold the crown until a 2016 winner is named — marks another remarkable turn of events witnessed by the administration, faculty and followers of the American Mustache Institute. Indeed, since moving to Pittsburgh from St. Louis in July 2013, AMI has seen its first co-Goulet Award winners in 2013 in David Stine and D. Bruce Haynes, the launch of the International Mustache Hall of Fame in partnership with Wahl Trimmers, and now the shameful stepping down of one Goulet Award winner and the ascension of another to the height of mustachery and sexual dynamism.
“I am floored by these events,” Rivas uttered while solemnly accepting the title and responsibility that goes along with being the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year. ”Honestly, I thought I had missed my opportunity, that my name would be forgotten in the annals of history. What’s happening today makes everything I’ve ever worked towards worth the effort. Today is the greatest day of my life. Today and the day my son was born. That was good, too.”
AMI Chief Executive Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove released a statement about the sudden change in Gouletship.
“While we are sad to see Brown go, and of course more saddened by the purposeful murder of an angel,” he said. “For as it is written in the Dead Sea Scrolls, ‘Each time a mustache is shaved, and angel falls from Heaven and dies’, we are also excited for Troy’s enthusiasm and professional masculinity to join the AMI history. The Mustached American of the Year is perhaps the most noble title bestowed upon a Mustached individual, and I am certain Troy will make us all proud.”