After realizing he was once deemed a symbol of all that is good, clean and sexually dynamic in the Mustached American community, Don Mattingly’s conscience may have talked some sense into his quivering, now bare upper lip.
As reported by the American Mustache Institute last week, during an interview with the Associated Press, the former Mustached American Yankees first baseman revealed himself to be a hypocritical shame to his Mustached American heritage in declaring that for the first time in his major league career — Mattingly’s team has a no facial hair policy.
This week, however, in a conversation with the Palm Beach Post’s esteemed columnist Hal Habib, Mattingly retreated and offered an olive branch in the form of an apology to people of Mustached American heritage and the global facial hair community.
“Tell ’em I’m sorry I let ’em down,” Mattingly told Habib, while bathing hte Marlins hitting coach Barry Bonds’ batting helmet from his San Francisco Giants playing days.
The moment perhaps provides a doorway through which the healing process can begin, as memories of Mattingly in his mustache-heavy playing heyday remains an important symbol to his people. Consider that American Mustache Institute science demonstrates facial hair enhances athletic ability by up to 38.4 percent. Thus, Mattingly’s .307 batting average, 1099 RBI and 222 career home runs san lower nose foliage would have instead amounted to roughly a .189 average, 677 RBI and 137 — which would not even qualify him for the Hall of Very Good. And don’t forget that hair even beyond his upper lip is a hallmark of Mattingly’s career, as with the Yankees in 1991 he famously skipped a game in protest of a club edict that he get a haircut.
Let’s also examine the South Florida sports and mustache landscape: In 1997, the Marlins won the World Series with Mustached American manager Jim Leyland, Larry Csonka’s mustached is historically deemed responsible for the only undefeated season in NFL history with the Miami Dolphins, Howard Schnellenberger created the University of Miami football dynasty, and when the bare-faced Jimmy Johnson retired from the Dolphins, Dave Wannstache succeeded him to the tune of best winning percentage of any post-Shula coach in team history.
But even with all the evidence, Mattingly still doesn’t fully grasp the importance of his mouth brow in the annals of history.
“My people?” Mattingly questioned Habib, regarding whether he had let down the Mustached American community.
Yes, Mr. Mattingly, YOUR people, and you should fully grasp the vital role that you and other symbols like you play in the community’s advancement.
mustache, moustache, beard, facial hair