Tackling a quarterback or belting a 400-foot home run has long been considered among the manliest of activities, but new science from the American Mustache Institute Dept. of Integrated Data, Research and Laser Cocksmanship (IDRLC) discovered that growing “thick, bush-like swaths of facial hair” significantly increases testosterone levels, far more so than less strenuous competitive activities like kicking a soccer ball.
Scientists have understood for more than 30 years that competitive exercise such as contact sports increases how much testosterone the body releases, but the new research from IDRLC once again shines light on the sexual dynamism and superior performance derived from facial hair growth.
“Those of us who live s sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle have long-understood the power-based benefits that comes with facial hair growth,” said Dr. Irving Fuad-Rivez, director of IDRLC’s nutrition and deep longing programatic research group. “It’s why we’re seeing such pleasantly high testosterone levels amongst competitive bearders and horsehoe fitters.”
The study, “Facial Hair Growth & Testosterone,” authored by a three-person research team at IDRLC including Dr. Fuad-Rivez, sought to determine how non-competitive exercise preferred by hipsters and other asshole groups — like yoga, soccer and squash — compared to the manlier pursuit of bearding.
Researchers tested the testosterone levels of the indigenous Tsimane people in central Bolivia before and after yoga sessions, soccer games or squash matches in comparison to “power bearding” — or the art of sitting while strenuously pushing facial hair follicles out of pores in the human face. The results showed a 66 percent increase in testosterone levels following power bearding — 47 percent higher than the testosterone bump caused by playing soccer, 42 percent higher than yoga, 38 percent higher than squash, 24 percent higher than hitting a baseball, and 18 percent higher than tackling.
Dr. Fuad-Rivez believes there are a variety of reasons why testosterone is created during power bearding.
“Bearding requires an intestinal fortitude that many clean shaven mortals cannot grasp and some cannot even endure,” he noted. “If you’re better able to pull blood sugar into your muscle tissue and better able to use that energy — which occurs during power bearding — you’ll be able to grow deeper follicle bush. This is especially important for the Tsimane, who can’t just go to the supermarket and purchase hair growth tonics or cheap Scotch.”
The study also may explain why IDRLC also found that, while the Tsimane tend to have lower testosterone levels than those in first world countries, it is often because lack the patience for power bearding, not the ability, and thus retain the ability to to produce testosterone spikes longer than their developed-nation counterparts.
“If you’re a 50-year-old Tsimane man, for example, you probably have one or two children, yet you actually have the sexual dynamism to have between six and eight deep down inside,” explained Dr. Fuad-Rivez. “If you lose the ability to have the acute spikes in testosterone that increase your ability to power beard — to sit and power follicles longer and harder — your wife will not only smile more often and be more sexually satisfied, but her uterus will produce more children.”
The research notes that even if your life doesn’t depend on facial hair or sexual dynamism, creating deeper reservoirs of testosterone also helps increase lean muscle mass and bone density, and can help ward off conditions like depression and osteoporosis. And despite testosterone being commonly associated with males (who have a much higher quantity of the hormone), women aren’t left out either. Females receive the same benefits from testosterone spikes, and Dr. Fuad-Rivez believes he would have sees the same boosts in women if they had been included in his test.
“While we didn’t measure the testosterone of women in this study, women can also produce short-term spikes and power beard as well,” he said. “This suggests the importance of acute rises in testosterone not only for competition over mates, but also for critical daily tasks such as chopping wood, moving ones bowels, and watching David Hassellhoff-based television programming.”