In launching the chain’s relatively new Quesalupa offering, Taco Bell captured the attention of the American dining public. However, understanding that people of Mustached American descent consume mass quantities of meats and cheeses, Taco Bell has particularly targeted the Mustached American peoples. And as a result, the American Mustache Institute (AMI) launched what became a seven month investigation of Taco Bell’s Quesalupa advertising claims. Today, after finding the bulk of the Quesalupa marketing messages to be without merit and, more directly, obscenely false, AMI informed Taco Bell’s global general counsel of its intention to file a legal brief challenging the chain’s deceptive advertising.

Mr. Ray Weston, Jr.Screen Shot 2016-04-21 at 8.19.11 PM
Global General Counsel, Vice President of International Business Affairs
Taco Bell
C/O Yum! Brands
1441 Gardiner Lane
Louisville, Kentucky 40213

Mr. Weston,

Greetings mortal clean-shaven person of interest. As the trade organization representing your primary product test audience (along with other non Yum! Brands products including Mountain Dew, SPAM, and Depend Undergarments), we at your American Mustache Institute (AMI) extend our warmest greetings and sincerely hope this correspondence finds you in good health, as well as rife with XXL Grilled Chicken Stuffed Burritos seeping from your pores.

Yet, in spite of these good tidings and well wishes, our executive team, administration, and faculty collectively wish to extend our great concern relative to Taco Bell’s inability to advertise within the strict federal regulations under the so-called “truth-in-advertising” laws monitored by the United States Federal Trade Commission. As you are aware, advertisers must maintain particular care in crafting authentic, legally viable and responsible marketing messages, as each year American consumers lose billions of dollars as a result of deceptive marketing and false ads running the gamut from blatant lies and fraudulent scams to subtle ploys intended to confuse and mislead to video programming featuring Kayne West. Not only do these tactics impact a variety of consumers – particularly low income Mustached Americans and Mississippi residents – but a mind-boggling amount of income is misdirected into nefarious coffers as a result of deceptive marketing practices.

To this extent, a recent undertaking by the American Mustache Institute Dept. of Research, Analytics & Drone Technology finds that Yum! Brands, Inc., doing business as Taco Bell, has purposefully violated this public trust through the marketing of its much ballyhooed Quesalupa product. As you know in your role as chief legal officer, Taco Bell markets this finely tuned collaboration of protein, dairy, feline, corn and mixed particle morsels as having a, “Majestic, melty cheese stuffed inside the shell. A cheesy shell…A unicorn. Shangri-La.”

As much as we adore consuming unicorn meat – and every Mustached American is required to do so by age seven – the vast and sexually dynamic community represented by the American Mustache Institute constitutes the primary audience targeted for consumption of these falsely advertised Quesalupas. This data, in fact, comes from Yum! Brands insights obtained by AMI.

What is most concerning is that our research culled over a seven month period conclusively finds there is no cheese whatsoever inside, nor extending from the shell as it breaks apart, in the outer surface of said Quesalupa. To wit, in AMI testing of 473 Quesalupas purchased by Mustached Americans from Taco Bell locales located in 39 states and Delawareonly three of them – just three of them – found a modicum of cheese contained within the outer shell in spite of your advertising claims.

Further, when our research team forcibly fed your Quesalupas to more than 17 lactose-intolerant subjects – both superior Mustached Americans and bare-faced mortals – we found no adverse effects whatsoever. That’s right – no vomiting, no diarrhea, no delusions of real estate moguls becoming president of the United States, nor other symptoms associated with lactose intolerance.

Perhaps this is why TheImpulsiveBuy.com wrote of the Quesalupa, “the near-perfect crispy-chewy Chalupa armor has been depleted to a weak facsimile.” Indeed, the marketing of said product – which again, it should be noted, targets people of Mustached American heritage, hence our concern – has been a shameful effort to attract an audience conditioned to gravitate and spend its personal yet limited income during times of extreme intoxication through consumption of low quality rail liquor.  All of this, of course, in an attempt to pad the revenue stream of Yum! Brands, Inc. (NYSE: YUM).

As such, much as in the case of our successful legal brief against the Boston Red Sox organization of Major League Baseball for “beardism-infringing activities,” AMI has filed request for a temporary or permanent injunction, leading to the estoppal or cessation of said deceptive marketing practices in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8.

We are requesting either a bench or show trial - leaving this in the capable hands of Judge Chauvin – and have already filed a motion for summary judgment. Failing these options, AMI, along with the Toronto-based Ted Cruz Memorial Affordable Care Act Destruction Fund and the estate of pop-singer Gwen Stefani, is prepared to fully-litigate this matter. This includes, if necessary, a full jury trial. To this end we have retained the esteemed white-shoe firm of Dewey, Ahmadinejad & Houssein as counsel in the aforementioned district to which all correspondence should be directed.

We look forward to your response and cessation of these unsanctioned activities.

You’re welcome.

Sincerely,

Maurice Lomax Rodriquez-Gibb IV, ESQ.
Chief Legal Affairs & Faux-Mexican Consulate
The American Mustache Institute