The 20th Century was a roller coaster for people of Mustached American descent, opening with one of the most influential Americans owning and operating a domineering mustache — and a majority of U.S. residents agreed it was presidential material. Thus, Teddy Roosevelt took us through eight powerful years in the White House, befitting a Mustached American President of the United States.

The exceptional William Howard Taft and his lip garment were swept into office immediately thereafter. Yet Taft was the last person of Mustached American heritage to serve as president. We pivoted from a big-hearted, swarthy nation of knock-arounds, to a self-conscious nation seemingly concerned with the perspectives of others and, in particular, how we looked.Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 5.33.59 AM

Beginning with the delusions of global domination by German Emperor Kaiser Wilhelm II and his upward facing mustache, the global facial hair community would then face great tumult for some half-century.  The mustached Soviet Empire’s Joseph Stalin proved a murderous leader.  And a tiny person who spoke very fast and in German — a twisted man named Adolph — took the concept of the toothbrush mustache and turned into “The Hitler,” forever destroying its validity for anyone beyond those wishing to look like, well, a Nazi.

Hitler, in particular, preached a brand of discrimination that was unwelcome in the global facial hair community, as well as amongst the world’s sovereign nations. And after we wiped the floor with his insane pogrom, we retreated to simply living lives of facial hair.

These were good times — Walter Cronkite read the news, we attended Woodstock and demonstrated our sexual dynamism in fields and tents, rejoiced in Mark Spitz’s Olympic domination, were represented well by the great Robert Redford in ”Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid,” and the proved to be a decade owned by Mustached Americana as every newsman had lower nose foliage and popular music was dominated by the likes of Frank Zappa, David Crosby, Barry Gibb, Freddy Mercury and the list goes on.

But every once in awhile we are reminded of the era of Hitler and the rarity that is discrimination coming from mustached peoples — those who shame our sexually dynamic way of life.Adolf Hitler-709

Which brings us to a new development now being called the “Moon Mustache,” named for Missouri Rep. Mike Moon. Thus far our research shows this lip garment spreads across a man or woman’s upper lip but bears a concerning ability to camouflage the wearer’s general lack of intellect and sanity. It seemingly stands for everything the Mustached American people do not: Intolerance, Napoleonic-era thinking about sexual identity, bathroom use, and further lunacy typically reserved for fans of Pauly Shore comedy.

As first detailed in St. Louis Magazine by the extremely sexual Lindsay Toler, in a letter addressed to State of Missouri education commissioner Margie Vandeven, Rep. Moon wrote that being transgender is “a behavior inconsistent with natural law” and is calling on Missouri to reject federal rules protecting transgender students from discrimination at school.

“If we, as a society, are intent upon instructing and training our children on the difference between right and wrong, we must stand against decrees from the federal government or any other entity forcing us to do otherwise,” Moon says in the letter obtained by Toler.

We must assume Rep. Moon comes from European descent, channeling his inner dictator, as he is uses the infinite power of his facial hair to disrespect the transgender community — nearly going beyond the disheartening actions taken by the State of North Carolina in presuming transgender people mentally ill.

Perhaps Rep. Moon’s greatest failing is his short memory of intolerance and how it reared it’s ugly head against Mustached Americans during the past 50 years. Indeed, it is easy to forget that in the 1980s, clergymen from churches across the south U.S. were counseling Mustached Americans that we could be “cured” of our true facial identity.  Now, Rep. Moon is suggesting transgender people be put through the same process — shameful at best.

If we have learned anything from our world’s discriminatory, hateful past — particularly in the south where separate facilities were used to mitigate people’s worth — it is that the Mustached American community is a “Big Tent,” to use the words of retired Gen. Colin Powell. We welcome all to urinate or defecate wherever they feel it is appropriate and safe. And that, friends, is a right worth fighting for.

Rep. Moon, we excommunicate you from our tribe of Homo sapiens. Long live the Mustached American.

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  • Ork Kinn

    “Rep. Moon wrote that being transgender is “a behavior inconsistent with natural law””

    It is? I mean, do whatever you want but that IS unnatural. Trans people aren’t inherently dangerous and I’m not saying they should be purged, but they are a bit mental.

    I don’t know anything about the Moon man, but this whole blog post reads like a cuck article.