With Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump viciously debating the merits of Main Street versus Wall Street — presuming either understands any semblance of connectivity with the core fundamentals of the American populace — the most important election of the Fall was settled this past weekend in Pittsburgh, the city embodying a Main Street work ethic.
Along the Monongahela River at Rivers Casino, the nation’s newest hero was crowned as a raucous crowd of more than 500 at Beards for Beasts IV bore witness to mosquito termination expert Charles Abadam of Suffolk, Virginia being named the American Mustache Institute’s 2016-17 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year presented by CanYouHandlebar.
Riding a sexually dynamic wave of regional enthusiasm and social media excitement to claim more than 59% of the nearly 1.4 million votes cast, in front of a raucous crowd of some 500, the hirsute Abadam enters the pantheon of Mustached Americana in becoming the first Goulet Award winner from the Commonwealth. Rounding out the top three were Ohio’s Russ Banks with 25%, and Chad Holgerson of Missouri with 9% of the total ballots cast.
“This year was an amazing group of finalists,” said Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove, chief executive officer of the American Mustache Institute. “It demonstrated once again that Mustached Americans are contributing to society and having a positive impact on their communities, regardless of the lack of positive coverage in media. We saw a strong contingent of everyday people, and just our second female Mustached American as a finalist. I am beyond proud of the class of 2016.”
Dr. Causgrove presented Abadam with the coveted Goulet Crown, along with a lightly used DVD of the cinematic masterpiece “BIG,” and a prize pack from CanYouHandlebar as he accepted this most prestigious award.
“Honest to god, I’ve never felt this level of euphoria”, noted Abadam, tears drizzling through his well-coifed lower nose forestry unit. “Four days ago I would have said the best day in my life was the day my fiancé said ‘yes’ but I don’t know if I could say the same today. Thank you to everyone for your support, your votes. I couldn’t have done it without you!”
First presented by AMI in 2008, one year following the untimely death of popular entertainer Robert Goulet, the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year award recognizes the person who “best-represents or contributes to the Mustached American community during the prior year.” The award honors a “zest for life and immense cultural contributions” by the crooner who was also an inaugural inductee to the esteemed Mustache Hall of Fame.
In claiming the 2016-17 Goulet honor (read about past winners here), Abadam must spend the next year as America’s preeminent ambassador for the Mustached American community both at home and abroad. According to Dr. Causgrove, his grueling schedule will include, “countless cell phone pictures with adoring fans, ribbon cutting ceremonies, DJing periodic 9th grade dance parties, and the obligatory international diplomatic duties as a condition of this recognized position within the United Nations under Goulet Award mandate negotiated with former U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan.”
Due to deep security concerns, voting for the annual award is recorded by a PHP Web application and the data stored in a Structured Query Language (SQL) data base under the oversight of AMI along with Billy Dee Williams and the daughter of Thomas E. Dewey — the last major party candidate for President of the United States with a mustache.