2016 Winter ‘Stache Scale Analysis

On November 30, 2016, by AMI Staff

The American Mustache Institute’s Winter 2016 ‘Stache Scale Analysis focuses on a shave lotion designed by a rocket scientist from MIT, a burger-taco hybrid, and a protective porcelain drinking chalice designed to keep one’s ‘stache and shirt free of coffee stains and the subtle aroma of Kahlua in the morning.

Made with rocket science, so you know it's good.

Made with rocket science, so you know it’s good.

Mavericks Shaving Trifecta is a product relayed to us by a globe-trotting ne’er-do-well that not only supports the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle, but proselytizes it the world over.  This shaving cream was noticeably different, as it does not lather like traditional soaps or creams.  Initial thought: what is happening, this is not familiar, what do I do now?  However, upon boldly moving forward in the shaving process (cheeks and chin only – no mustaches were harmed in this testing), we were pleasantly surprised to find that this product performed exceptionally well.  It goes on almost like a lotion, but is activated by the addition of water.  Saved us a few minutes from lathering soap and applying by brush; valuable minutes spent more efficiently by having a noble post-shave morning bourbon.  Few ways are better than starting out the day with a freshly accentuated lower-nose forestry unit and borderline acceptable whiskey buzz.

Stache Scale Analysis:  4.8 Sellecks

This picture does not, in any way, reflect what a whopperito looks like in real life.

 

 

The Burger King Whopperito is simultaneously all that is wrong and right with America.  Because there is nothing wrong with it and America is the most delicious country on the whole damn planet.

This picture does not, in any way, reflect what a whopperito looks like in real life.

While we approached this culinary masterpiece with a sense of curiosity wrapped in childlike wonder, we left the meal fully convinced of our enhanced manhood and righteous place atop the animal kingdom.   Possibly due to the random beads of sweat and collective heavy breathing, there was very little to be said about this.  Truly, Burger King reached for the stars and landed in a purgatory made with creamy queso and BK taco sauce.

Stache Scale Analysis:  3.5 Sellecks

 

The laundry facilities at the American Mustache Institute are, of course, top of the line.  The white coats our faculty earn through a rigorous academic gauntlet over the span of a six-week mail correspondence deserve to be pristine form.  However, we noted through exhaustive research that the front of most jackets were marred by the slightest light brown coffee stain.  To rectify this, we set out to find the cure for pectus macula,

Flavor saver.  Gator tamer.

Flavor saver. Gator tamer.

also known as sternum stain.  Our travels brought us to a bearded craftsman that is the owner and operator of One Eyed Cat Crafts and his collection of handmade mustache mugs – drinking vessels designed to keep the beverage from soaking one’s upper-lip cardigan.  In short, a veritable game changer.  Made for both right and left-handed mustached Americans, these twelve ounce ceramic miracle workers kept our mustaches dry, girthy, and ready for whatever beverage we so choose to consume.

Stache Scale Analysis:  5 Sellecks