On Monday, December 12, the Los Angeles Rams of the National Football League announced that longtime coach and Mustached American icon Jeff Fisher had been relieved of his duties as coach of the struggling franchise. It was a decision, according to bare-faced mortal Chief Operating Officer Kevin Demoff, that resulted in ”an organizational failure” and one he questionably defended as “solely a performance-related issue.”
In a statement, Mustached American Rams owner Stan Kroenke said he has “great respect for Jeff as a coach, person, father and friend,” going on to thank him for working “tirelessly despite some challenging circumstances.” And yet, this did not deter Mr. Kroenke from committing a ‘Stache on ‘Stache crime against his fellow community member which will undoubtedly reverberate throughout our people.
More broadly, while economic times are marginally better for people of Mustached American descent — with income levels up 2% year-over-year versus 2001 levels — in present-day American society it still remains rare that a Mustached American can hold a position of great respect and responsibility. While members of the Mustached American community flourish in roles such as horseshoe fitting, stunt driving, bicycle washing and tire burning — true leadership roles are few and far between.
Thus we would suggest that Mr. Kroenke needed to exhibit greater restraint in his dispatching of Coach Fisher. Instead, our American Mustache Institute player personnel analysts would sugges, he should have examined the overwhelming failures of the bare-faced General Manager and Director of Football Operations Les Snead, who has repeatedly missed on draft picks year-after-year and erroneously released two of the organization’s best defenders this past offseason.
Farewell Coach Fisher, as it is clear your six winning campaigns in 20 seasons as an NFL head coach will ensure you at least three more well-deserved opportunities stewarding a franchise in the league. And we will always choose to think of you with the spirit, rugged good looks, and psychological cunning you displayed in this 2012 interview with your American Mustache Institute.