This week, Washington Post reporters Phillip Rucker and Karen Tumulty revealed that part of President-elect Donald Trump’s methodical searches for cabinet officials included seeking what he deems to be an appropriate “look.”

Indeed, this should come as no surprise as through his years in public life the world has witnessed Mr. Trump’s aesthetic-minded attempts at showmanship on “The Apprentice,” during World Wrestling Entertainment broadcasts, around the Miss Universe contests, referring to a former beauty pageant contestant as “Miss Piggy” and “Miss Housekeeping,” and the list of skin-deep human judgments are endless.Screen Shot 2016-12-22 at 2.08.06 PM

Rucker and Tumulty’s revelations, however, may be the most offensive yet, suggesting John R. Bolton’s sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle eliminated him as a candidate for the coveted secretary of state position.

“Donald was not going to like that mustache,” one associate was quoted as saying. “I can’t think of anyone that’s really close to Donald that has a beard that he likes.”

The paradox, of course, is that Mr. Trump’s orange face and spaghetti squash mane would, theoretically through his own Clark Gable paradigm – who ironically had a mustache – make Mr. Trump himself unfit to serve in a position of leadership. But beyond the esthetic and ongoing pattern of his embrace of an alt-right-like discrimination, the Mustached American community is deeply troubled by a new administration erecting yet another obstacle towards a level playing field for people of Mustached American heritage.

Our quarrel is not political as we are a non-partisan institution of learning, thought and facial hair militancy. It merely regards the equity with which we value human capital and potential, in this case as it relates to Mr. Bolton. In short, it is about opportunity for all Americans – including Mustached Americans – and history paints an unfortunate portrait of the Mustached American plight.

Certainly, the 20th Century opened with iron-fisted Mustached American leadership as Teddy Roosevelt took us through eight powerful years in the White House. The exceptional William Howard Taft and his lower nose foliage were swept into office immediately thereafter.

In the blink of an eye, however,  we seemingly pivoted to a self-conscious nation concerned with the aesthetic perspectives of others. And Mustached Americans have since faced a ongoing pattern of discriminatory government, business and cultural policies. To wit, neither of the major parties has even nominated a Mustached American candidate for President of the United States since Thomas E. Dewey challenged Harry S. Truman.

Yes, the 1960s-70s were good — Walter Cronkite read the news, our people attended Woodstock and demonstrated our sexual dynamism in fields and tents, we rejoiced in Mark Spitz’s Olympic domination, were represented well by the great Robert Redford in ”Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid,” and popular music was dominated by the likes of Frank Zappa, David Crosby, Barry Gibb, Freddy Mercury and others.

But once the 1970s passed, so did our time in the sun.

In 1991 researchers J.A. Reed and E.M. Blunk published the “Effects of Cranial and Facial Hair on Perceptions of Age and Person” in the Journal of Social Psychology finding clean-shaven men are seen as more reliable in roles such as salesmen and professors; and a “2013 Workplace Mustache Study” by the American Mustache Institute found that despite the exceedingly high acceptance of mustaches in the workplace, Mustached Americans are still a minority in management positions with only 30 percent reporting to a supervisor living a life of facial hair.

Which brings us hurdling back to the President-elect.

Throughout much of his presidential campaign, Mr. Trump has preyed on a broad array of fears – vilifying Mexicans, poking fun at the handicapped, misogynistically castigating women and now – perhaps most unsettling – discriminating against people of Mustached American descent.

Mr. Trump, your discriminatory actions are unacceptable. The Mustached American people will stand by no longer.

Dr. Irwin Galifin-Jones, Esq.
Director of Esthetics and Equine Fitness
American Mustache Institute

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  • Warner Todd Huston

    You damn morons. There is NO PROOF that Trump ever said anything against mustaches. Dr. Irwin Galifin-Jones, you sir are a hyperventilating ass.