The American Mustache Institute (AMI), the world’s leading facial hair advocacy organization and think tank that advocates for, and defends the rights of, people of facial hair, today announced an exciting and significant new organizational direction that will position it for the future and beyond.

“After 74 years of advocacy, redirecting global opinions about men and women of facial hair, and in particular after the recently removed Justin Bieber mustache – we recognize the battle has been won,” Dr. Adam Paul Causgrove, president and chief executive of the Institute, told a stunned crowd of three men and four women in a Pittsburgh-area Arby’s. “Mustache accomplished, friends, and with the successful completion of our operating agenda now firmly in our rear view, the time has come for a new era – a strategic pivot if you will – into technology, deeper levels of sexual dynamism and human culture.”

Dr. Causgrove, wearing causal pants accented by a linen smock, laid out a strategic vision for AMI that calls for an organizational pivot from mustache and beard advocacy towards the deeply under-represented blockchain technology community. AMI’s strategic roadmap calls for:

  • A new brand identity shifting away from one of the most durable brands of the past 62 years – the American Mustache Institute – into the American Blockchain and Roast Beef Institute presented by Arby’s.
  • An exciting new organizational strategy to include the use of blockchain-funded advertising on all social dating applications, beer koozie distribution, sandwich board and urinal cake marketing, biodegradable eco-friendly polymeric bibs, and low-to-medium quality roast beef efficacy through digital platforms.
  • An initial coin offering (ICO) or “MCoinTM” that “perfectly aligns the sexually dynamic past and digitally dynamic future,” according to Dr. Causgrove, of the organization meant to funnel resources into plastic bib distribution.

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“Phase one of our charter that was laid out in 1976 is indeed now complete,” Dr. Causgrove added. “Mustached Americans have the level playing field that did not exist prior to our organization’s sexually militant efforts towards reaching equity for people of Mustached American heritage and all peoples of facial hair.”

Dr. Causgrove pointed to AMI data demonstrating that in 1988, only 28.3 percent of American men and 2.8 percent of American women adorned facial hair while in 2017 some 69 percent of American men and 3.2 percent of American women now regularly wear facial forestry units to some degree.

“Just look at today’s workforce,” he boasted while twirling his index finger. “We can now obtain high-paying jobs in fields like horse shoe fitting or karate dojo cleansing, go to school or church or walk into an Arby’s without fear of harassment or discrimination or knowing that our delicious roast beef sandwich will contain the same amount of meat as the bare-faced mortal in front of us in line. But we’re just getting started. Phase two will be challenging as we pivot into blockchain and we will attack it with the same sexually dynamic vigor as we did professional baseball and male synchronized aerobics in the 1970s.”

MCoinTM will be built on a new Ethereum-powered blockchain protocol that is the product of a strategic partnership between the new American Blockchain and Roast Beef Institute presented by Arby’s, the MIT Sloan School of Management, the Origami Network, and Arby’s that will focus on unleashing the long-term benefits of blockchain-based cryptoeconomic peer-to-peer payment solutions and Muppet detection strategies to the global marketplaces.

“Along with the remnants of AMI’s Dept. of Nuclear Mustacheology and Advanced Dance Metrics, we’ve brought together some of the finest minds in the space,” Dr. Causgrove mused while walking through a field of finely chaffed wheat. “Economists, academics, leading-edge technologists, people of Mustached American descent, sandwich makers, and hand models – all working side-by-side to reconfigure the global payments landscape on the most technologically-savvy hardware backbone one could imagine.”

While the International Mustache Hall of Fame will continue, Dr. Causgrove said traditional AMI operations will cease effective November 8 in honor of the birthday of actress Tara Reid who has made love to more Mustached Americans than anyone in human history. The AMI social media channels on Twitter, Facebook, OurTime, Tindr, and Instagram will remain active and sexually dynamic, however.

The new American Blockchain and Roast Beef Institute presented by Arby’s as well as the MCoinTM marketplace is expected to be operational by August 3, 2019, the traditional American day of celebrating roast beef on National Roast Beef Day.

For more information, email mustacheinstitute@gmail.com.

 

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