In August 2010, Cincinnati Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto received a seven-game suspension for kicking St. Louis Cardinals catcher Jason LaRue in the head during a benches-clearing incident. Not only did the incident end LaRue’s career, but it served as a stark reminder of what can happen when a mustache is removed.
Up until that week, LaRue was living a stalwart Mustached American lifestyle but had inexplicably shaved his lower nose garment, which therefore was not in place to protect against Cueto’s cleats.
Apparently, LaRue was unfamiliar with, or simply took for granted, the American Mustache Institute’s 1987 white paper, “Nose Forests: The Ultimate Performance Enhancer and Injury Eliminator,” demonstrating, among other things, that Mustached Americans are incapable of experiencing injury in the line of work or during physical activity.
“We found that with a 1.3 percent margin of error, while Mustached Americans can experience death in the line of work or play — such as the case of Dale Earnhardt or Estelle Getty — they do not get injured,” said Dr. Daniel T. Callahan, AMI’s director of research who conducted the 1987 study. “Had LaRue maintained his sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle, he would still be a fledgling Major League backup catcher today.”
Flash forward 15 months, to yesterday’s Houston Texans vs. Jacksonville Jaguars game, when Texans quarterback Matt Leinart — who had recently accepted Mustached Americana into his life — was driven to the ground, breaking his collarbone.
It was the first such incident on record of a Mustached American experiencing injury since the 1987 Callahan white paper Nose Forests.
“Are we concerned? Was Burt Reynolds born on February 11 and should there be a national holiday in observance of it?” said Dr. Callahan. “But the reality is that we accounted for the 1.3 percent margin of error, so it will, in fact, happen. We’re still nearly mortal. But it’s still 98.7 percent more rare than with our clean shaven mortal counterparts.”
Indeed, Leinart’s injury is a statistical anomaly that should be treated as such. But Dr. Callahan cautions that Mustached Americans should take certain precautions during activity such as rigorous coitus, firing bows and arrows, juggling lions, reenacting Charles Bronson film scenes, and sewing holes in metal firearms.