The soul of Keith Hernandez is dead.
The former all-star first baseman’s commitment to the sexually dynamic Mustached American lifestyle met its end Thursday afternoon during a public shaving that drew hundreds of gawkers in front of Citi Field.
Sadly, the stunt goes far beyond the locker room towel-snapping and cocaine addiction of Hernandez’s playing days, or even beyond his former ruggedly handsome mustached American good looks. It creates a crisis of confidence for the Mustached American community who previously looked to him as a leader and symbol of better years — the golden decade of the 1970s when our people were welcomed into daycares, movie theaters or positions of power and influence — and not shunned like common shopping-mall trolls.
The myopic nature of Hernandez’s brazen actions paints a clear picture of the former major leaguer’s selfish failure to recognize that he and his upper-lip jungle represented more than simple man and connected mustache, and instead has now turned the clock back to a time of great pain and despair — the bare-faced era of the 1980s and ’90s.
As reported prior, AMI may now strip Keith Hernandez of his 2007 title of Greatest Sports Mustache of All Time.
“His title will either be given to runner-up Rollie Fingers, an athlete and role model who has never turned his back on the Mustache American community, or we Keith’s actions may necessitate revisiting the voting effort altogether,” according to AMI chairman Dr. Aaron Perlut. “We are deeply disappointed in Hernandez and feel we have to take this action.”
Mr. Hernandez somehow found redemption, even amusement, in his despicable actions.
“I want to thank all my fans who supported my mustache over the years,” he said after shaving. “But it’s time for it to take a back seat and give my upper lip some time to shine.”
A donation will be made to the Robert Goulet Memorial Mustache foundation in honor of Mr. Hernandez’s late lip garment.