American Mustache Institute

Navarro Indeed Sucks

afroman — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 01:23:00 GMT

The 23.8 readers of the AMI blog understand our feelings on Dave Navarro. Whether is was our account of our initial interview with Navarro, or when we lambasted a poor, young scribe who wished to make her mark in journalism by writing a sweetheart of a story about Chump Bait - even though she knew he is pathetic.

We've been pretty clear.

And now comes this - a new video about Navarro and his pathetic goatee posted by a pretty solid sounding band called The Bugs.

So cheers to The Bugs, who we think are also responsible for this, and never forget what AMI always warns our friends via e-mail:

That mustaches should be worn at the individual's own risk, and AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro.
If your mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro.

Carry on.

Surprises on menu at Democratic Convention

afroman — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 15:35:00 GMT

Shocking developments as America watches the dreadfully boring Democratic Convention this week in Denver.

Both those merry, eager-to-hug-one-another liberals in attendance at the convention – or those attempting to watch on the television without shooting themselves – sat with disbelief as former President Bill Clinton declared Barack Obama "ready to be president of the United States" on Wednesday.

“I was pretty certain President Clinton planned to support McCain or (Libertarian candidate) Barr,” AMI Chairman Emeritus Jay Della Valle told his nuclear mustacheology class early today. “At least Barr is the first mustached American candidate since Tom Dewey in 1948. To me, that’s something worth voting for. I mean, Obama? What does he represent?”

After months of attacks from Hillary Clinton supporters on Obama’s lack of experience, President Clinton himself was among the most outspoken proponents of that line of criticism of Obama. But on Wednesday he reversed himself – something almost never seen in politics – pointing out that Republicans had used the same line of attack against him when he first ran for president.

“That, yes, was a shocker for me,” said Edgar Portofino, a Bolivian exchange student in Della Valle’s 10:30 a.m. class. “In Bolivia, we no change positions. If someone need be shot – we shoot them. If need be caressed, then we caress and hold them. Very simple.”

Sen. Joe Biden unexpectedly hammered Republican presidential candidate John McCain as he accepted the Democratic nomination for vice president Wednesday, sending shock-waves throughout the crowd. Biden rattled off a list of McCain's positions on issues ranging from sitting, standing, to active and sleeping, repeatedly saying, "That's not change; that's more of the same."

Almost as unusual as being stabbed in the back by a co-worker. But that never happens.

With Obama scheduled to speak tonight, more unexpected developments should come.

Carry on.

Jobs for the Mustached American

afroman — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 18:44:00 GMT

Our friends at CNN.com have a story on the site penned by Rachel Zupek of CareerBuilder.com. It’s called “15 Jobs that Pay $70,000 per year,” and it’s a tale of jobs that don’t require a Ph.D. or at least 10 years experience, which to the Mustached American, would seem like low-hanging fruit.

The challenge, however, for the Mustached American, as AMI Research Director Dr. Daniel T. Callahan presciently notes in his bio on the AMI site, is that our kind are often not welcome.

After receiving his doctorate from the University of Wisconsin's Tonsorial Studies Department, Dr. Callahan worked in academia, but only as janitorial staff and a figure model at several colleges.

"These were the dark days to be a mustached American," he writes. "It was not unusual to see 'mustaches need not apply' signs at many employers."

Dark days indeed.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, while the average full-time worker's salary is $33,634 in the United States, the average Mustached American salary is $29,980.07. The discrepancy is disheartening.

Zupek analyzed 15 jobs that earn near $70,000 and are expected to increase in demand between now and 2016. Each requires various levels of experience, facial hair, and education. We have earmarked six of these for thorough consideration to determine whether Mustached Americans can, in fact, earn in excess of $29,980.07.

Nuclear power reactor operator ($70,410) – It has been clearly demonstrated that a mustache is nearly as powerful as nuclear fuel itself. Therefore, reason would have it that the Mustached American can be placed in charge of a fuel that can melt a dwarf at 17 paces, especially when our facial hair can do so at 19 paces.

Management analyst ($70,990) – This is not a good fit. Certainly we are able to analyze management, but not necessarily to manage analysis. And there is a clear distinction.

First-line supervisor/manager of police and detectives ($72,620) – Boom! Sweet spot baby! Along with weapons, uniforms, and badges, police recruits are issued mustaches upon entering the force. There is no better fit. And don't forget - never, ever trust a bare-lipped police officer, and if approached by one, call 911 and drive as quickly as possible to your nearest Police Station where you will be welcomed by throngs of cookie dustered constables.

Advertising and promotions manager ($73,666) – Losers - all of them. Can’t happen. Never in a million years. That profession will not tolerate a Mustached American….

Education administrator, post-secondary ($75,780) – As part of a settlement in U.S. vs. Fishbine, Mustached Americans can no longer teach children under the age of 23 unless accompanied by an adult without facial hair, which we believe is unconstitutional.

Veterinarian ($79,368) – Mustached American don’t treat, we eat.

Carry on.

Mike Schmidt speaks to AMI

afroman — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 14:27:00 GMT

The great Major League Baseball Hall-of-Famer Mike Schmidt is the subject of the most recent AMI Monthly Interview. You can listen here.

World Mustache News

goldylx — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 21:05:00 GMT

Croatia/China: What could possibly be better than ultra-fit, hairless-bodied, Olympic water polo players with mustaches? My mind cannot comprehend anything more amazing.

"We came to an idea to do something special, that will be only ours," Croatia's Maro Jokovic told the AP. "And we agreed because we are a team, we fight for each other and we die for each other, and we wanted to do something not so usual among other teams."

Bravo! Too bad this hairy tribute to former Olympic coach Ratko Rudic did not prevent them from being beaten 7-5 by the US on Saturday and upset 9-11 by Spain on Sunday. If I could give out a medal for winning my heart, this team would have it.

I am indeed delighted and will be obsessing over these chaps for the next month or so.

Nepal: As metrosexuality spreads, Nepal is rapidly becoming a society without mustaches. Once passed down from one generation to the next as a sign of masculinity, the mustache is being wiped from the face of men who now find it fashionable to be clean-shaven. This is a new trend that started in urban areas, driven by women who claim their men look younger and more handsome without facial hair.

India: Hindu men have long been mustached because of a long-held belief that they should not shave their mustaches so long as their parents are alive. Alas, in the modern day, some prefer bare upper lip and no longer see any correlation between their mustaches and their parents’ lives or longevity. A poll of men of Indian heritage, ages 25-25, born in the US and/or raised, found that they are glad to see their brothers in the homeland finally emerging from the 1980s.

Turkey: In a response to so-called ‘European Union standards’, bus drivers in Turkey have been forbidden to have mustaches by Metro Tourism, one of Turkey’s biggest transportation companies. Read the entire story from Turkish Daily News.

Italy (see also: New Jersey): Men are so into their mustaches that they’ve made a mustache comb pendant chic. Get yours here.

Mustache and the man: The death of Gene Upshaw

Dcal — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 20:50:00 GMT

The publicity around the death of Gene Upshaw ignored one of the most interesting aspects of his life: he had one of the most enduring mustaches in all sports. Twenty-eight years since his participation in the Super Bowl with the winners, the Oakland Raiders, Upshaw's gray mustache was like the man himself, physically a shadow of the once proud 'stache he sported, but a reminder of the power and intelligence of a man who reached a height few could ever have predicted.

Upshaw's life was a classic American tale.

After a successful football career, he used exceptional political skills to recreate himself as a labor leader, and, from the most humble of southern roots, he lead the NFL Players Association, a union at the center of America's most popular sport.

His mustache was of another era, one where players cultivated an outlaw image that was not always ready for prime time. The circumstances of his death - he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on Sunday and died days later - have left that union scrambling.

In addition, there was controversy to his career. When confronted about pension and health care benefits for retired players, he cracked: "I don't work for them. They are not union members and they have no vote."

Many of those players were Mustached Americans who felt they had been forgotten as the active players grew rich. Mustached greats Mike Ditka and D1ck Butkus have lead the way in challenging current players and owners to take care of the men, many of them once household names, who are now in desparate need of health care benefits.

So, many older players are not as generous in their assessment of Upshaw. Sam Huff told the New York Times: "You want to feel sorrier than you do. It’s a mixed feeling that I have today."

Huff, it should be noted, does not have a mustache.

Dumb Jock Quotes

afroman — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 17:53:00 GMT

We offer some classic quotes from athletes courtesy of The Bleacher Report:

20. "I've been dunked on by (Vitaly) Potapenko and now (Zan) Tabak. The good part is that they don't make posters of those guys"—Houston Rockets’ Walt Williams.

19. "I enjoyed The Luge."—Michael Jordan on the Paris museum.

18. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

17. “Ball handling and dribbling are my strongest weaknesses.”—David Thompson.

16. New Orleans Saints RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

15. "I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won."—Muhammad Ali.

14. “The sun has been there for 500, 600 years ”—Baseballer player Mike Cameron.

13. "The game was closer than the score indicated"—Baseball player Dizzy Dean, after a 1-0 game.

12. Shaquille O'Neal: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

11. “I don’t want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.”—Basketball player Sherman Douglas.

10. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Somebody actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex."—baseball player Carl Everett.

9. "Well, Rickey’s not one of them, so that’s 49 percent right there."—Rickey Henderson on reports that 50 percent of ballplayers use steroids.

8. "Because there are no fours."—NBA long-range gunner Antoine Walker when asked why he shoots so many threes.

7. “I can play in the center, on the right, and occasionally on the left side.”—David Beckham, asked if he was a “volatile” player.

6. "Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."—N.C. St. basketball player Charles Shackleford.

5. “I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.”—Pitcher Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf.

4. “They shouldn’t throw at me. I’m the father of five or six kids.”—Baseball player Tito Fuentes, after getting hit by a pitch.

3. Shaquille O'Neal: "I made a 1,600 minus 800 minus 200 on the SAT, so I'm very intelligent when I speak."

2. "Like they say, it ain't over til the fat guy swings."—Phillies catcher Darren Daulton on stocky first baseman John Kruk.

1. “We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.”—Basketball player Weldon Drew.

'Stache Bash Tickets on Sale

afroman — Wed, 20 Aug 2008 21:39:00 GMT

The buzz is growing as tickets for AMI's annual 'Stache Bash are now on sale and can be bought here. Advance tickets are $20 versus $25 at the door.

The price includes live music; an open bar with beer, wine, and maybe some Captain Morgan's if they give us some loot; plus a $5 gaming coupon for the casino, an act of fire-eating performers, free concert tickets and other stuff from 105.7 The Point, and a good looking fake mustache (can any mustache look bad?).

You can also see AMI discuss the event during this recent state of the union news conference.

E-mail AMI at info@AmericanMustacheInstitute.org, call 877-STACHE-1, or phone the Crab Lice Hotline.

Carry on.

Joe Dan Dockrey - Real Man of Genius

afroman — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:46:00 GMT

A communique from AMI member Joe Dan Dockrey (yes, that's his real name):

To My Gods @ AMI,

As a man grows up in life and ~~learns~~ how to masturbate figures out who he is, through trials and tribulations, he arrives at a final understanding of his reason for living. Many men realize that they were meant to go out and change things for the better, to create a family to carry on their family line, or to sell bratwursts in a cart outside of a Golds Gym next to a homeless guy name Hayseed.

Nonetheless, we all have found a good dime bag of weed our calling in life and are determined to show the world what we are meant to do in order to fulfill a life's ambition. We are to grow a glorious mustache and wear the lip sweater with passion and pride. It is understood by all that a mustache should only be worn correctly if you intend to use it wisely and never let it go to waste.

It is with my great pleasure that I announce my womb-broom wearing amigos and I will be representing all mustached Americans by flying a 24-foot ~~sausage~~ mustache off a 25-foot cliff into Lake Michigan in Chicago at the the Redbull Flugtag.

The National Herpes Congress Flutag has invited my team of blind dwarfs to go head-to-head with 20 or more other teams in order to fly our craft further than ever before. Using space-age materials,smoking lots of crack and nothing but a twirl of the 'stache and a hard look to judge all measurements, we are destined to go into the local jail where we will be raped by large men history books.

We will be ~~drinking straight scotch~~ launching September 6 in Chicago at North Avenue Beach with the intention of bringing a tear to the eye of every mustache-toting cop, fireman, cowboy, juvenile delinquent, facial hair equestrian, or anyone still living in the '70's.

Be sure to say your prayers to a mustache-wearing Jesus (yeah, like he really exists), because we are going to win it all in Chicago 2008.

With Love And a Lip Full of Power,

Joe Dan Dockrey
jdockrey@gmail.com

Bravery

afroman — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 17:06:00 GMT

Anyone who is familiar with AMI knows that we have often been called by historians the bravest organization in the history of mankind behind only the U.S. Military and the post-Jim Henson Muppets. And in the past, we've brought you stories about brave friends of ours, who have fought cancer and other challenges, as well as tales of our daring exploits to fight those who oppress the race of Mustached Americans.

Every once in a while, however, we are reminded that there is more to life than mustaches, beer, triple bacon cheeseburgers, and our hatred for Dave Navarro, who is worthless. Not much more to life - but there is more.

And whether you like his politics or not, today, this CNN.com story about John McCain's time spent in captivity in Vietnam was such a reminder.

Carry on.

The backyard Olympics

Dcal — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 13:58:00 GMT

So, I'm watching the Olympics last night and on comes the finals of Women's Trampoline. I'm looking for the hidden camera to do the doubletake into.

Women's Trampoline? What's next, the semifinals of Men's Slip-N-Slide? Did the countries who participate buy their equipment at Sam's Club and are there countries whose cheapskate dads wouldn't let them buy them because they thought they weren't "safe."

And didn't the Man Show do all this a few years ago?

This could be part of a trend away from the sweaty urban sports like boxing and bicycling, toward cleaner sports that involve expensive training and equipment, allowing first world countries to keep their lead over the countries whose dads won't buy them a pool. We could combine the two disciiplines and feature events like the much-maligned Jarts and desperate games of Whiffleball?

Start training, suburbanites. Your time is about to come.

Our bare lipped friends

afroman — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 17:46:00 GMT

Do you remember the scene in the film version of Spike Lee's "Malcolm X" where Mr. X is walking into a college building and a white girl asks him a question? The young female collegian asks Denzel Washington, playing General X, if she could help his movement. He solemnly looked at her and said, "No." And kept walking.

Well, we at AMI feel a bit differently.

Despite being put down and oppressed by bare-lipped weaklings for nearly half century, we accept the support and love of those without mustaches. And one of our favorites - a supporter from the very beginning - has been the Washington Post's Dan Steinberg, who writes the always entertaining "D.C. Sports Bog."

Dan is currently covering the Olympic Games in Beijing, and when he returns, we'll be continuing our fine tradition of outstanding Monthly Interviews with Dan. But until then, we'll just have to bask in his greatness as he reports about the stories that matter......like this one he sent us today that he said was inspired by AMI.

We hope you enjoy it as we did, and be sure to support Dan and continue to read the Sports Bog.

Carry on.

How to Get a Date

biggrubbowski — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 18:17:00 GMT

When you're nearly middle-aged, hopelessly single, tragically bare-lipped, and sadly spend more of your free time writing on mustache blogs than on dates, you'll take all the advice on meeting the ladies you can get.

If you're like me, and every day that slips through your fingers makes you grow incrementally fearful of dying alone in a bed of some wretched government nursing home in a pile of your own filth, having no one to attend your funeral, and being buried in a cheap pine box deep within an abandoned coal mine, you might want to check out the following helpful pointers on meeting that special someone to share your life with.

They're brought to you by the fabulous "Foxy Festivities" gals Elycia Rubin and Rita Mauceri. You remember them, don't you? Their blog, which focuses on a variety of subjects from social trends to the culinary arts, is emerging as must-read material for the inherently barbarian male, mustached or otherwise.

The piece below, entitled "5 Ways to Amp Up Your Single Sex Appeal", offers some helpful tips on how to attract that special someone (and cling onto them for dear life).

Admittedly, their suggestions can at times prove a bit confusing or unclear, so I've added some clarifications and observations (in italics) that should no doubt enhance the benefit you'll receive from the gals' words of wisdom. Enjoy.

Put Yourself Out There - If you're single and looking for someone special, start by RSVP'ing yes to any and all social invitations. The further they are outside your usual circle of buddies, the better. Any gathering -- weddings and co-ed showers to dinner parties, barbecues, or even after-work drinks -- can be a great place to land a date.

(As a general rule, the more desperate you appear to be invited to parties, the more it seems like you have no friends of your own, the more women will flock to you. Haven't you seen "Wedding Crashers"? Those guys got all kinds of tail. If all else fails, start inviting yourself to gatherings. Private party room? Not anymore. What's going on, new friends!! So...who wants to go on a date with me?)

Body Language - Unspoken cues are crucial. Check yourself every so often to make sure you're not sending out a "don't come near me" vibe. You want to communicate that you're friendly and open to conversation. It may sound silly, but these details make all the difference:

- Keep your arms uncrossed. (In addition, put down any crucifixes you might be holding up.)

- Maintain a relaxed, casual stance. (Preferably a good solid three-point stance, such as that of a defensive end. Make sure all the weight is on the balls of your feet, so that you can dart quickly to the left or right when all the women overcome with lust inevitably try to bum rush you.)

- Try keeping a subtle smile on your lips (If you're not smiling at all times, everyone will know you're a sour puss. And then who's gonna love you? Not me. Is that what you want? Well...is it?)

- Make eye contact. Lots of it. Being so inviting to someone you don't know can feel strange, but it's the only way to find out if you want to know them. (Yes, so much eye contact to the point where it feels strange. Sounds about right. Let your piercing stare burn a hole in her blouse. If she hasn't called security by now, you're in like Flynn.)

Opening Lines - Now comes the tricky part, how to introduce yourself. Simple conversation starters that don't feel cheesy (or too obvious) include:

- How do you know so-and-so (the host)?

(I don't know who this "so-and-so" is, but it is obvious that he could be your primary competition for the girl in question. Badmouth him at every opportunity. Also, demonstrate your physical superiority to this "so-and-so" by lifting heavy objects right in front of her.)

- Or at a buffet, "Have you tried the pasta? How is it?"

(Or perhaps a subtle joke in this situation to break the ice like, "So...looks like you're back for thirds already, huh? I'm surprised they haven't run out of plates by now. I'm just kidding, you're gorgeous." Remember, people like self-deprecating humor, especially when it's at their expense.)

Don't make the mistake of being loud to attract attention (even a loud laugh can be downright annoying). Part of the trick is to be a bit restrained, yet alluring.

(Mumbling paranoid nonsense to yourself in the corner or making soft purring sounds like a kitten will surely grab the girls' attention, but in a very subtle and alluring way, which is desirable. After all my friend, the days of clubbing a woman over the head and dragging her back to the cave are nearly over, aren't they?)

Escape Plan - It's easier to start up a conversation when you know you have the power to end it at any time. Simple ways to politely walk away from someone you aren't vibing with include:

- "Forgive me, it's been nice to talk with you but a friend of mine, who I haven't seen in ages, just walked in..."

(...over there, by the stage next to the dance floor. No, on the other side, behind the speakers. You can't see him right now, but trust me, he's over there. Well, I hope that thing you're getting checked out comes back negative. It's been real. Peace out.)

- "If you'll excuse me, I have to run to the restroom..."

(Just to be safe, you might try this addendum, "...I have abhorrent diarhea and hemorrhoids that just won't quit. Tell everyone not to go near the mens room from for at least 15 minutes. And please, pray for me, won't you?")

- Grab your cell phone and say, "I'm sorry, I'm getting a call..." (Your phone could be on silent or vibrate, they'll never know.)

(If you don't own a cell phone, instead grab a bread roll from the nearest table and pretend it's your phone. Not only will she think you're important because you're taking phone calls in public on your fancy bread phone, she'll also likely think you're insane.)

Kindness is good karma. You never know when that cute guy or girl you've been eyeing may be watching your interaction; you don't want to come off as uncaring.

(Yelling "FIRE!!!" is also an option. You don't want to seem uncaring, but being a dishonest lying snob is apparently perfectly okay with the "Foxy" gals though.)

Dress To Devastate - Seems obvious, but no matter how casual the event, slip on something that makes you feel your best. (You never know who you'll run into at the appetizer table.) And always opt for something that's sexy but not trying to hard.

For girls, that could mean:

- a sophisticated wrap dress and funky wedge heels. (A wrap with wedges? Makes me think of the KFC Twister combo meal. Mmmmm...Twister.)

- a flirty skirt and tank top with flats. (With a big pocket on the front of the skirt that reads, "Insert Cab Fare Here".)

- flared slacks and an off-the-shoulder top with strappy sandals. (Yeah, and why don't you just not shave your armpits while you're at it, you damn dirty hippy!? If I wanted to date a gypsy, I'd join the circus.)

- dark bootcut jeans with a feminine blouse and pointed toe pumps. (I have no idea what any of these things are. In fact, I'm probably going to stare at whatever parts of your body aren't covered by clothes anyway, so it seems like a waste of time to put all this effort into your wardrobe. Let's face facts, if you're even semi-attractive and you showed up wearing an oversized bag of Domino Sugar it wouldn't make any difference to me.)

Guys:

- Try a sharp looking button-down (in linen or a crisp cotton) and dark flat-front slacks with classic-but-cool leather shoes. (Yeah, I want to look like I came straight out of a damn Dockers commerical (mumblety peg with darts!!) Why don't I just change my name to "Chad" or "Todd" while I'm at it?)

- For a more laid-back gathering, jeans and a long sleeve tee, with black or brown suede sneakers. (Whatever. Nothing says "casual sex appeal" quite like a half-shirt and cut-off jean shorts. Or perhaps you might want to try something like this.)

Scentiments - Finally, if you wear fragrance, keep it very light so you don't overpower the room. You wouldn't want to meet someone you really like, spark a good conversation, and then spark up their allergies, too.

(First of all, allergies are a sign of genetic weakness. Any woman with allergies will give birth to weak offspring, and thus, should be avoided like the plague.

Secondly, Brute Deodorant Spray is always a good option. It says, "I'm consistent, like a rock. I haven't updated my grooming routine from what my father taught me in junior high, and I never will. In fact, the day they stop making Brute is the day I go back to not using deodorant.")

Yes, if you just follow these simple suggestions, you won't have to worry about being buried in a pine box anymore. You can get real casket when you die, like normal people. Now doesn't that make you feel better?

Bernie Mac and the death of the Black sitcom

Dcal — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 21:46:00 GMT

We were greatly saddened at the American Mustache Institute to learn of the death of Bernie Mac, a king among mustached Americans. Like many African Americans, he continued the tradition of the a mustache and facial hair even as it fell out of favor in the white community in the 1980s.

His death highlights a trend -- the decline of the Black sitcom. Since the heyday in the '70s and '80s, when beacons of comedy like "Good Times, "Sanford and Son" and other sitcoms ruled the airwaves (we particularly favor St. Louis's own Redd Foxx). And later on the WB and others, the Black sitcom has nearly disappeared. Bernie's show was one of the standouts of the '90s and, while black comedy was dumbed down a lot for TV, it was a link to a culture that truly loves to laugh through thick and thin. And, if you ever heard one of Bernie's uncensored routines, he was very, very funny, and truly a product of a tough part of Chicago.

The demise of the black sitcom may have to do with historic under-counting of black TV audiences. Or maybe it's the mustaches that scared network execs.

There is some good news here. Cleveland from "Family Guy," who subscribes to "Grape Soda Today," is getting his own sitcom on Fox. Okay, he's voiced by a white guy, but it's a start, isn't it?

In the meantime, we say so long to Mac, dead way too young.

For more about this issue, check out a pretty in-depth blog here.

John Edwards - We Told You So

afroman — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 12:48:00 GMT

So the big hubbub on Friday was the stunning, stunning announcement that former U.S. Senator and presidential wanna-be John Edwards had an extramarital affair with some tramp who was apparently also taken behind the wood-shed by half of his campaign staff.

We had to read endless Twitter comments and other online thoughts about how disappointed people are in Johnny Cute-Locks. But only one word comes to the collective mustaches and minds of the staff and administration here at AMI: Shock!

Let us take you back to a blog posting from AMI in January of 2008, written after Edwards suffered a crippling defeat in the Nevada primaries. We told you that John-John, sitting in curlers despite fostering a hairweave and one of those stupid signet rings worn by more than 90 percent of the male populace of Raleigh, N.C., was courting his friend Rusty in a Las Vegas gentleman's club.

Add this episode to his most recent admission, and what this tells us is that John is just a guy. He dips his pen in the company ink (the gal was working for him). He's simply no better than any other scrub. And clearly, Edwards is not a mustached American, as if he was, only his drinking buddies and a collection of trolls living under a bridge in Cleveland would have learned of any of his trysts.

So in short, what does this tell you about the fine reporting skills of the crack AMI news team? Well, we don't like to gloat, flash our arrogance, demonstrate superiority, or just rub people's noses in what we told you nine freaking months ago.

Carry on.

*on an unrelated note, 'Stache Bash 2008 is upcoming on Oct. 25. Learn more here.

'Stache Bash 2008 announced

afroman — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 18:49:00 GMT

Today during it's 2008 State of the Union address, the American Mustache Institute announced it's plan for 'Stache Bash 2008 in St. Louis. You can watch the news conference here and can buy tickets for 'Stache Bash here.

What is ‘Stache Bash?
‘Stache Bash is the only worthwhile celebration of mustaches in the world, benefiting Challenger Baseball, a baseball league for disabled children. This year at ‘Stache Bash, AMI will name it’s first ever “Mustached American of the Year” (voting will soon begin on the site) as well as announcing it’s candidate for President of the United States.

When & Where is ‘Stache Bash 2008?

‘Stache Bash 2008 will be held October 25 at 8 p.m., at the new Lumiere Casino in downtown St. Louis. For your convenience, if you find a “special” friend at ‘Stache Bash, or simply consume too much good “fun,” the casino has two attached hotels for those wishing to stay close.

Tickets
Tickets are $25, and for this price you receive three live bands, beer and wine – and maybe some Captain Morgan’s if they give us a lot of money – fire-eating women, a good looking mustache (is there such a thing as a bad looking mustache?), and other goodies. Tickets may be purchased in advance (purchase link coming soon), and as Mustached Americans are very popular – we expect a sell-out (roughly 1,000 attendees). Important note: you may wish to buy tickets in advance, as we have hired a troupe of homeless trolls to laugh at people who come after we are filled to capacity. It’s never fun to be laughed at by trolls.

Is There A Theme?
It will be a hairy Halloween. ‘Stache Bash 208 will be held the Saturday prior to Halloween and will be costume-themed. Wear what you wish – whether you dress as a member of the Village People, the Golden Girls, Magnum P.I., your favorite priest (Judas Priest), Frank Zappa, a mermaid, a mer-man, 1980s television mainstays Alf or Mr. T, or your ugly selves – just have fun with it.

Who & What Will Be There?
Expect to find about 1,000 people over the age of 21, three live bands, an open bar of beer and wine – and maybe some Captain Morgan’s if they give us a lot of money - as well as fire-eating women, some ridiculous games, mustached or non-mustached Americans, a few Canadians and other non-Americans (with the exception of the Dutch – don’t trust the Dutch). Additionally, the American Mustache Institute reserves the right to refuse admittance – or have you removed from the event – if you are stupid, ridiculously intoxicated, act like a knucklehead, or voice praise for Dave Navarro.

Prizes
This year attendees can win prizes for best real mustache, best costume, and of course, the first ever “Mustached American of the Year.”

More Info
For more information, e-mail info@AmericanMustacheInstitute.org, call 877-STACHE-1, or call the Crab Lice Hotline.

What is AMI?
After secretly forming in the 1960s, the American Mustache Institute (NYSE: AMI) first went public in the 1990s, fighting against a long pattern of discrimination against the race known as the “Mustached American.” The organization began putting on events known as ‘Stache Bash in St. Louis, home of the world’s largest mustache – the Gateway Arch.

Disclaimer
AMI supports healthy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that contain no pesticides. Mustaches should be worn at the individual's own risk, and AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro. Wearing a "Dictator" mustache may lead to repeated beatings. Mustaches should not be worn by women who hope to find employment outside of waste collection or who are looking for male companionship. If your mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large. Unibrows, commonly referred to as "forehead mustaches," are not recognized by AMI. AMI does not support chin coverage (i.e. beards, goatees) as they represent the "spousal compromise." The vast majority of mustache wearers have highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school teachers. AMI strongly encourages consulting a physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression. AMI cautions against trusting clean-shaven officers of the law. If a mustache-free constable attempts to stop your vehicle, dial 911 and proceed to the nearest police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet you with open arms. Please consider the environment before shaving your mustache, and when considering your presidential choices in 2008, remember that Bob Barr is the first mustached American presidential candidate since Thomas E. Dewey in 1948.

Which Presidential Candidate Deserves a Grand Slam?

afroman — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 13:23:00 GMT

AMI generally does not partner with corporate America, more than likely because corporate America has not historically embraced our race - the Mustached American. However, every once in a while, a company so brave, so honest, so in touch with the Mustached American community comes forward, and we have encountered such a partner. In this case, it is an alliance of convenience, is that the Mustached American craves a diet rich in sausage, bacon, ham, eggs, bacon, sausage, and cheese -- the key staples of our diet. And, said partner is a key purveyor of said diet, so we have a match made in Mustached Heaven. Yes, we speak of our friends at Denny's.

Denny's has been conducting a presidential candidate look-alike contest and six pretty entertaining finalists have been posted for our voting. The only concern we at AMI have about this contest is that Libertarian candidate Bob Barr, the first mustached presidential candidate since Thomas E. Dewey in 1948, is not represented. We'll let this slide, for now.

The winning McCain-alike or Obama-like performers will receive free Denny's breakfasts for a full presidential term. Mustached friends - this does not suck. Free sausage, bacon, ham, eggs, bacon, sausage, ham and eggs for four years. People, listen closely -- this does not suck. So we encourage you to help one of these lucky people win these aforementioned free breakfasts at Denny's, and you can see and vote on the videos here.

But again, we at AMI will not go quietly into that goodnight. We have questions - pressing, serious questions about the issues at hand here. The last time we read the newspaper - in 1973 - Mssrs. Obama and McCain had not been officially selected to represent their parties in the November election. We believe they have conventions for these decisions. So maybe there is still hope for Mr. Barr - although AMI will not officially announce who it will endorse until October 25 at 'Stache Bash 2008. And who knows? On that fateful night of 'Stache Bash 2008 in St. Louis, we may even offer an alternative candidate such as Gary Coleman, G. Gordon Liddy, 1980s television mainstay ALF, or another brave Mustached American to fulfill our people's prophecy.

And if this is the case, then the Denny's look-alike contest will be right up there with "Dewey Defeats Truman".

A president with a mustache. Now that's change you can believe in. Now again - please go vote which you can do here.

Carry on.

Pineapple Express - Must Be Very High or Stupid to Enjoy

afroman — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 16:45:00 GMT

As demonstrated when reporting on the horrific Will Ferrell vehicle "Semi-Pro," AMI periodically provides our audience with cutting-edge film reviews and today's is nothing short of that. As always, we sent AMI film critics Walter Cronkite and John Waters to see the new "Pineapple Express." This time, our veteran reviewers were accompanied by AMI spiritual adviser Rev. Yitzchak Islamanto.

Islamanto: So gentlemen, last night we went to see the new Seth Rogan film "Pineapple Express." Now, maybe I wasn't high enough - although we sure tried - but I've got to tell you, I was more than a bit disappointed.

Cronkite: Agreed, Reverend. I went into this thing thinking it was going to be the second coming of "Half Baked." I read in Rolling Stone that it might be the best stoner movie ever, and that one of the characters -- Saul, a hippy drug dealer caught up in the main plot -- may be the best stoner movie character of all time. So I went in with high expectations. But this movie was not mustached American fare. It just plain sucked.

Waters: Oh come on darling! It wasn't that bad. There were a few good scenes. Like the scene where they are on the golf course and the funny old guy, you know, the judge, is trying to putt and the other funny old guy starts playing that song by Journey and all of the caddies start dancing. That was hilarious. Wait, what movie are we talking about? Sorry, I must have gotten a contact high in the theater last night.

Islamanto: I think where it may have lost me were the opening credits. They just weren't crisp enough. You know, like the documentary "Space Balls," where the huge letters roll down the screen.

Waters: "Space Balls" was very, very, very funny dearest. I wish we saw that last night. Who was the lead hunk in "Space Balls?" Bill Pullman or Bill Paxton? I always get those guys confused. I'll bet they get confused too. I'll bet they run into each other at parties and are constantly starting the conversation by asking "Hey Bill, was I the president in "Independence Day" or was that you?"

Cronkite: I'd have to say that the opening of the movie is really one of two - OK maybe three times - where I laughed, barely chuckled, or thought to myself, "Well, I guess I can see where some people would laugh at that." I mean, at least I think I laughed at it. I don't know though, because I was pretty primed for a very funny movie when I walked in, so maybe I was forcing it at the beginning. This is only the second movie I've ever walked out of, and it instantly entered my Worst Five Movies of All Time List along with "Windtalkers," "White Noise," "XXX" (the one with Vin Diesel; do you really think porn would be on my worst five list?), and "Showgirls." The third "Austin Powers" movie has now moved off the list and into the six slot.

Islamanto: A few thoughts here. First, like Mr. T, I pity the fool who didn't love "Austin Powers: Goldmember," is a fool. Michael Caine, who together with Gene Hackman and Morgan Freeman has been in every movie ever made - was brilliant when he said, "If there's two things I hate is people who are intolerant of other people and their culture...and the Dutch." Second, Paxton was brilliant as Chet in "Weird Science," which you can see here. And I remember hearing about your famed Worst Five Movies of All Time List. I'm glad you've confirmed its existence.

Cronkite: The first and second Austin Powers movies, I loved. And that's the way it was. The third was just the same old jokes over and over again. I bet if you watch it closely enough, you'll be able to pinpoint the exact moment when Mike Myers career hit the fan. What's he done since? "The Love Guru"? Give Kanye a disgusted look when the rapper said George Bush doesn't care about black people? Anyway, back to the subject at hand. Yes, the new "Dark Knight" movie is one of the sickest movies I've seen in a long time, and I loved "Batman Begins," but can you really beat Mr. Cool himself, Jack Nicholson as the Joker? Crap...oh yeah..."Pineapple Express." Awful.

Waters: I hate to burst your bubble Cronkie, but Mike Myers was responsible for three of the biggest blockbusters in the past seven years -- "Shrek" - numbers one, two and three. He flopped with "The Love Guru," but you simply can't say his career is on a tailspin. And don't tell me you didn't like the "Shrek" movies. Anyone who says that "Shrek" was lame is more of a girl than I am. You big loser. You don't want to be a loser, do you? You know, like that Dale Denton kid in "Pineapple Express." He was a real loser.

Cronkite: Alright Johnny, you totally busted me on the "Shrek" thing. Completely slipped my mind. But, did you know that the thin kid, Chris Farley, he was the original "Shrek" and filmed the entire movie. A lot of people on the "inside" say that he was even better than Mike Myers as "Shrek." But, as you may have read about a few years ago, he died. Dumb-ass. Oh my God, by the way, how about the part on "Tommy Boy" when they are driving and singing and the hood of the car pops up and blocks the windshield and they're screaming and swerving all over the place? PRICELESS. "Pineapple Express" was nothing like that.

Islamanto: Are you guys as high as I am right now?

Waters: No. Wait, what? I'm sorry. Did you ask me a question? When? Right now? Sorry, I've been on a pretty nasty mescaline binge since Sunday.

Islamanto: OK, well, I think it might be time to wrap this one up and go tickle the lip sweater. God bless you all.

Carry on.

Jay Mariotti - Murderer

afroman — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 13:55:00 GMT

"Kill the mustache."

That's how Chicago Sun-Times scribe and former cross-dressing cat owner Jay Mariotti starts his new piece about Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps. Clearly, Mariotti is an ignorant East German and we hope you send him an e-mail voicing your displeasure at jmariotti@suntimes.com.

As you'll read, Mariotti goes on to write Phelps, "has a wonderful chance to become the most hallowed athlete on earth if only he spares us the visual of a mousy, malnourished Fu Manchu. If it doesn't quite resemble the sea algae that threatened the boating events, it's definitely closer to porn-star-droopy than Al Hrabosky."

For shame Mr. Mariotti, you sycophantic, slack-jawed gawking fool. He has clearly reached Dave Navarro territory.

As we do in these cases, we have sent a missive to him as you can read here. Carry on.

Mr. Mariotti,

We read with great dismay, your typically short-sided article, "Fu's Gold: Phelps Will Win Eight Then Shave." This was very saddening, as each time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth. So in essence, what you have done in your story is to call for murder, which in 17 of the 50 states, is a crime punishable by a moderately harsh probation sentence (but still a capital crime in Delaware, thank goodness).

Obviously you did not read the recent Time magazine interview with former Olympic great and mustached American Mark Spitz in which he said, "When I went to the Olympics, I had every intention of shaving the mustache off, but I realized I was getting so many comments about it--and everybody was talking about it--that I decided to keep it. I had some fun with a Russian coach who asked me if my mustache slowed me down. I said, No, as a matter of fact, it deflects water away from my mouth, allows my rear end to rise and make me bullet shaped in the water, and that's what had allowed me to swim so great. He's translating as fast as he can for the other coaches, and the following year every Russian male swimmer had a mustache.

Followers indeed.

See, what you do not understand as you are bare-lipped and thus weak, is that the mustache provides power beyond what the normal American can possibly comprehend. The Mustached American can do things such as crack a walnut at 50 paces by simply staring it down, frighten wildabeasts in the wild, and attract the fairer sex by simply snapping our fingers in a Arthur Fonzarelli-like mode.

We ask that in the future, you give greater thought to your rants in the Chicago Sun-Times, on ESPN, and in the men's room at Chicago's Midway Airport.

Carry on.

Breaking Olympics 'Stache News

Dcal — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 20:29:00 GMT

The press is reporting that U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps showed up with a Fu Manchu 'stache at the first Olympic press conference today. "I'm just messing around with it," he told reporters.

Fu Manchu, China - get it? The Olympics are in China? Maybe you've heard about it. The Chinese are hoping to do for their image what the Koreans did when they had the Olympics which was to make Seoul look awfully cold.

As to Phelps' stache, this is, of course, the latest in the 'stache drumbeat of celebrities and athletes. The funny thing is that Mark Spitz, icon of the '72 games, had one of the most famous sports mustaches. He has said in interviews that he planned to shave it, but told the Russians it helped him swim faster. The next year, all the Russians had 'staches.

It is the Olympics, so most of us don't really care. I guess it's a great thing if it means no more Brett Favre-in-his-Escalade coverage by the cable sports networks. I'll admit it, I've never been able to get too excited about Olympic sports like swimming. It just seems like you could be walking faster than they swim when they do some of the more exotic swimming things like the breaststroke and backstroke. Now, if they had personal watercraft racing in those pools, it would really cool, like a very wet NASCAR. How about a criss-cross track and a demolition derby race, last Wave Runner standing? That would make for great television and there's no doubt we Americans would rule in those kind of sports that involved big powerful machines driven by big beefy guys and their hot women. They could release some sharks in the water to liven up the competition.

That's my kind of Olympics.

Paris Hilton: not so stupid...today

afroman — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 13:32:00 GMT

We do not often write about the likes of Paris Hilton on the AMI blog. This most likely, is because she is stupid, not a friend to the race of "Mustached Americans" we write for, has an inflated sense of self worth, and she is stupid.

We generally hold Hilton in a similar regard to Sarah Jessica Parker, who looks like a foot, and you know how we feel about Sex & The City.

But let's give Hilton her due. She's relatively pleasant to look at if you enjoy the emaciated Barbie doll look, and every once in a while, she pulls something other than a hit
of acid out of her hat.

Her infamous video with Rick Solomon in which they are conducting a mating ritual was pleasant enough. And now there's this - she's just posted a video to FunnyOrDie.com which you can watch here. It's essentially a parody of presidential candidate and "Dwarfed American" John McCain, and it's very, very funny.

So kudos to you Paris, your stupid little dog, and your collection of 2,900 shoes.

Carry on.

Rock(fish) the Vote

afroman — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:49:00 GMT

The AMI is a big supporter of music - local, national, live, studio, Mexican, rap, rock, Irish, blind musicians, dead ones, yabba, dabba doo.

Virginia Commonwealth University, one of the finest universities in the U.S., is planning a music festival to honor its 40th anniversary. The school has decided to use a popular vote to determine which music acts will play, and with 225 bands in the running, the competition is stiff. Ron Jeremy stiff.

One band in the running is Kurt Stemhagen's "Rockfish Willie." And while Kurt is not a mustached American, as he suffers from Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD), he is an avid supporter of the lip sweater.

The contest ends Sept. 5, and we ask that you, the 17.2 readers of the AMI blog, vote for Rockfish Willie here. To hear Rockfish's fashionable stylings, you can listen to clips of some of the band's original music here.

Carry on.

Official American Mustache Institute statement on passing of Giambi's mustache

afroman — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 13:32:00 GMT

Editor's note: You can watch this quasi-eulogy being read on ESPN2's "First Take" at this link.

It lived a life most of us would envy. But in the end, Jason Giambi's mustache never really had a chance, and ended up in a bathroom basin, dead after less than a few months of life.

The American Mustache Institute salutes Mr. Giambi and his mustache, for having the bravery to walk proudly down the same lines upon which other great Yankee mustaches have -- including Reggie Jackson, Thurman Munson, Don Mattingly, and Sal Fasano. Our hearts and prayers go out to Mr. Giambi, his family, and the Yankees organization. And while we are all gravely disappointed by the passing of Jason's mustache, no one, or thing, feels a greater loss than his upper lip. The thick coating of fur had become a part of that lip - like peanut butter and jelly - and we can only hope Giambi's late lip sweater isin a better place.

It is important during this time of mourning that we all reflect and understand that every time a mustache is shaved, an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth. And the American Mustache Institute has established a fund in memory of Mr. Giambi's mustache that will be used to educate young people about the merits of facial hair, circus clowns, and juggling.

In the end, while the hearts of mustached-Americans everywhere are broken, we must always remind ourselves that a mustache is a terrible thing to shave.

We look forward to a newly erected monument in the new Yankee Stadium commemorating Giambi's mustache alongside Ruth, Gehrig, and DiMaggio.

Bacon Ice Cream

goldylx — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 01:59:00 GMT

I have noticed that Indian men who grew up in India, here for school or work, are more than five times as likely to have mustaches than Indian men who spent their formative years in the US.

On a recent ‘field study’ I met up with a gorgeous Indian man who had agreed to answer some complex questions and buy me dinner while I stared at his perfect white teeth and gorgeous eyes and brown skin. The subject was raised in California by Hindu parents, was a vegetarian, had three bachelor’s degrees and a master’s degree, and had never worn a mustache, not even for a joke or as part of a Halloween costume.

I quizzed him over Thai food and Tsing Tao. Would he consider growing a mustache? No. Did he support the growth of mustaches by other men from the homeland? He did not want to answer. We sampled our fare. I asked the waiter for some chili paste to add to my noodle dish; he wheezed and grabbed for his beer after the first bite of his food (please note: I am English/Norwegian/German rural North Dakota cowboy blend - extra light and lightly caffeinated). Was his inability to palate spice connected to his seeming dislike of the Indian mustache? I would never find out.

We moved down the street to a local drinking establishment and bellied up to the bar. Through the next few beers, the subject continued to deflect all questions pertaining to mustaches. At one point he even asked, “You sure are obsessed with this, aren’t you?” Heh. As if.

I was about to give up on my research and give into talk about subjects I have less knowledge about (politics, soccer) when out of the kitchen emerged someone’s dream man. Dressed all in black, he strode quickly towards the bar, brushing his chin-length hair to the side, revealing a mustache! In one hand was a plastic container filled with something white. He ducked behind the bar and approached the people sitting immediately to my left and handed them spoons as he talked. I couldn’t believe my ears… he was having them sample homemade bacon ice cream.

The combination of mustached man and bacon ice cream (really!) two feet from my face was more than I could handle. As the subject muttered what sounded like, “Oh, gross”, I spun my barstool to face the genius who combined the sweet goodness of ice cream and salty fabulousness of bacon into one delicious treat. My eyes moved up, from ice cream to mustache, looked him in the eye and pleaded for a taste. He handed me a creamy, cold, bacon-peppered spoonful. As soon as my lips closed around the spoon, my eyes rolled back into my head. Was this for real? It was like pralines and cream, with little bits of meat instead of nut. I offered the subject a taste. He declined (something about meat and/or dairy – I can’t remember). Who would have guessed? Who would have adventured to try this amazing combination? Someone with enough adventure to wear a mustache, that’s who.

The rest of the evening I could not shut up about the bacon ice cream. Or mustaches. I don’t think the subject was as amused as I was. The date, uh, I mean, interview, ended shortly after, without so much as a peck. But with bacon ice cream still on my breath, I went home a happy girl.

St. Louis Rams call on American Mustache Institute on Mustache Strategy

afroman — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 18:33:00 GMT

August 4, 2008 (Mequon, Wis.) – As the St. Louis Rams break training camp in Mequon, Wis., and prepare to depart for to Nashville for a pre-season game against the Tennessee Titans, key veterans have engaged the St. Louis-based American Mustache Institute (AMI) to consult on facial hair grooming for select rookies to ensure the team harnesses the strength, power and wisdom of the mustache to the greatest extent possible.

“We are committed to doing everything we can to make 2008 a playoff caliber-season,” said veteran bare-lipped weakside linebacker Pisa Tinoisamoa. “While I cannot grow one as I suffer from Bare Upper Lip Disorder (BULD), I recognize the power of the mustache. So we brought in the experts to ensure we best-harness that power.”

Understanding the rich tradition of NFL stalwarts who wore thick, rich, glorious mustaches – players like D1ck Butkus, Bubba Smith, Conrad Dobler, Dan Dierdorf, and Mike Ditka – early in camp, Tinoisamoa and mustached starting middle linebacker Will Witherspoon directed Rams rookies to grow lip sweaters (or in Latin, “labia sebucula”).

And understanding the power of the mustache and that it could better-ensure their ability to make the opening day Rams roster, rookies Chris Long, David Vobora and John Greco wisely accepted the challenge.

The veteran players contacted AMI to consult and ensure that safe growing techniques were being implemented.

“Many people don’t realize this, but a mustached American can stare-down, and crack a walnut at 50 paces,” said Dr. Aaron Perlut, executive director of AMI. “Our work with the Rams will help them harness this energy to improve defensive reads, better wrap-up at the point of impact when making tackles, and look good doing it.”

When the team returns to St. Louis, Dr. Perlut will be working on-site at The Russell Training Center in his new role as deputy assistant to the assistant deputy trainer for mustache and health related issues.

“We must ensure the players’ diets are rich in riboflavin and niacin – often found in such foods a ham, bacon, sausage, and pork rinds – as that will ensure for healthier mustache growth and a thick, shiny coat,” added Dr. Perlut. “This will be especially important for outdoor away games as the temperatures grow colder, and allow the Rams to more easily intimidate pathetically bare-lipped teams.”

The AMI can be reached at www.AmericanMustacheInstitute.org or 877-STACHE-1.

###